Friday, November 30, 2007

Good medicine: Thank you, thank you, thank you

Agathon included this in his blog on my account:

P.S. If you're the kind of person who sends prayers or vibes or good thoughts to those In Need, see if you can focus a little energy on our friend at Living in Syn, who is dealing with medical procedures best left to the Spanish Inquisition...or Extraordinary Renditioners.

I'm touched and grateful. This is the kind of thing that gets me through the day. Enough of this kind of thing gets me through my life.

I am one of those people who believes in prayers and good vibes and positive energy. I'm taking in all I can these days. I'll be a vessel for goodness and I'll pass it on when I'm strong enough to get back to doing good in the world.

Thank you, A and H. You've given me GOOD medicine. Thank you to anyone who is led here by A's invitation and call to service. Blessings upon us all.

Heather
(Who is, by the way, a confirmed vegetable eater)

http://agathon-sbh.blogspot.com/2007/11/stop-presses-man-has-teeth-could-easily.html

Thursday, November 29, 2007

woozy medical update: not for the squeamish

Thursday: The swelling in my lower back ballooned to twice what it was yesterday, perhaps due to all the prodding and poking from the various medical professionals who assessed my condition. I called the physician's assistant this morning and she had me come into the office today. My doctor was there, so he stepped in to look. We all decided to extract the fluid, and see what happens before "taking more aggressive action."

One numbing injection, two large gauge needle pokes, and seven syringes later, I surveyed a row of syringes filled with 163 ccs of straw yellow colored fluid that had been in my body. The PA had to leave the room two or three times to get more syringes; she was surprised at how much fluid she could extract.

"We all agree, you're a unique case," she said.

"So I've been told," I replied.

After the first extraction and needle poke, she had to use another needle and just screw the syringes on one after the other. So I lay on my side in a pool of this stuff that oozed out of the needle holes. She stopped extracting when the puncture stopped oozing and the suction started to make an audible sucking sound.

I looked up measurement conversions at OnlineConversion.com (http://www.onlineconversion.com/) to see what 163 ccs amounts to in more easily understandable measurements. That's over 5.5 ounces, if that gives you a better idea of how much that is. Icky. It makes me woozy to think of it.

"That's a sight I won't forget," I said on my way out.

I was directed to go home and lie down flat for the rest of the day and tomorrow to try to avoid the dreaded spinal headache. If I DO get a spinal headache, then we have a clue that there may yet be a slow leak. The yellow color of the fluid indicates that it has been there for a while in the same state; I wonder if they have a medical term for "stagnant." If it had been clear that might have indicated a probable leak. It's not good, it's not bad, it's what it is.

I suspect all of this is WAY too much detail to post, but there it is. There you have it.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Just enough is more

Wednesday: I went to my first out-patient physical therapy session this morning, and later visited my neurosurgeon's physician's assistant. She was concerned that the swelling and fluid build-up hadn't gone down in the six weeks since surgery, so she had one of the neurosurgeons come to look at it (my doctor was in surgery). They are slightly concerned about this; it's not a crisis, especially since I'm not having those horrendous spinal headaches anymore, but I'm still weak and in pain. I'll go back soon to see my own surgeon so we can see what's next.

Perhaps more MRIs and myelograms, perhaps even surgery... though no one said that word today.

I guess I'll just keep plugging away.

As a total departure, CJL recommended this essay by Milton Glaser: Ten Things I Have Learned (Part of AIGA Talk in London, November 22, 2001)
http://www.miltonglaser.com/pages/milton/essays/es3.html

I can dig the mantra --- "just enough is more."

She also directed me towards a film, "The Lives of Others." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lives_of_Others I'll add it to the Netflix queue...

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Dear Santa Part I

Here's No Impact Man's Letter to Santa: http://noimpactman.typepad.com/blog/2007/11/the-no-impact-d.html

I'm going to write a Dear Santa letter of my own, if I get around to it. I meant to make my Thanksgiving list; there are SO many people to thank, and so many things to be grateful for that it could take a long, long time. I still want to do it, because I find that gratitude is the antidote to despair, hopelessness, restlessness, impatience, and general malaise. I need a dose of that medicine after this week.

So... this is my reminder to myself to get to this if I can, and if not, an invitation to ya'll to consider your own Santa Letters.

I sorta want to put in a link to Sarah Silverman singing "Give the Jew Girl Toys," but it's quite a departure from my intent for this post. There's room for totally tasteless but subversively insightful humor elsewhere. Remind me to put that on my Gratitude List.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Put on notice

I'm not even sure I should write about this here, in case I have readers who are less well-meaning than my friends and associates. But it's just another chapter in this ludicrous story of illness and parenthood, so I'll take the risk.

A few weeks ago I retrieved a voice mail message from a police officer who left her name, phone number and badge number, but no clue as to the reason for her call. Later that day, I answered a "courtesy call" from the vice-principal of my child's elementary school. I was "courteously" notified that a "concerned" individual had reported me to the police for possible endangerment of my children because I was driving them to school so soon after release from the hospital, surgeries, etc. Evidently someone "overheard" a conversation I had with one of the members of the team who works to rein in my "Little Firecracker" when he acts out at school (running away from school and being chased down in the parking lot by parents, teachers and firefighters, knocking over desks, crying, shouting and all the rest).

I called Officer X back repeatedly, but only tonight she called me back, with apoligies for the delay. She works the midnight shift, which makes it hard to return calls at 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. She didn't seem amused when I told her she would probably have caught me awake at that hour.

After the "courtesy" call, I took the defensive action of obtaining a signed letter from my neurosurgeon's office that says I can drive if I'm not taking my pain medication. That doesn't matter much, though. There has been an "incident report" and if anyone finds reason to question my driving, I can be pulled over and evaluated for DUI, including getting blood drawn to see what medications are in my system. If I'm alone, I can be charged with a misdemeanor DUI. If my children are in the car, it becomes a felony.

Officer X called dispatch to check on my license; she confirmed that no restrictions had been placed on it by the motor vehicle division. I asked if the same anonymous person who reported me to her could initiate that process. She said no, it would have to be done by my physician or law enforcement.

She wasn't even sure she had actually made an official report. If she had, I would be entitled to a copy of it, but so much of the body of the report would be redacted that it wouldn't tell me much. Of course they can't tell me who reported me in the first place.

I find this particularly ironic given the fact that last week, one of my child's classmates was ejected from the car in a single vehicle accident in which the mother and one sibling were killed, and two other children were injured. The school is inundated with grief counselors. My child's behavior coach told me that Big'un has asked her several times if I was going to live. Now he has proof positive that a little kid CAN lose her mother.

I can only assume that the person who made that phone call had the best interests of my children in mind. That is small comfort, given the amount of distress this has caused me over the past weeks.

I don't know about you all, but if I observed this situation from the outside, the first thing I would probably do would be to see what could be done to HELP. I don't think calling law enforcement would have been my first call to action, as it might be if I observed a mother hitting her children or otherwise actively abusing/endangering them.

Who knows; I can't know the motivations of the person who made that call. I must hold it in my mind that he or she had only the best intentions. That doesn't really reduce my anger and irritation about this whole mess, but in time I'll have to come to terms with it in the most positive way possible.

While I qualify for Handicar services because of my medical condition, that service won't transport children. I've hired someone to drive to the school and daycare center in the afternoons to pick up the children so that I can take my pain medication as soon as I get home from my morning drive. I haven't found anyone who isn't insanely busy in the mornings.

I feel awful right now. I keep telling myself that I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN, but from every direction I'm getting feedback that it just isn't good enough. I failed a proofreading/copy editing test, so I can't even do that kind of work at home to support myself. Some of you know how ridiculously particular I am about copy errors; I thought I could pass the test in my sleep. Guess not. And now my driving and even my judgment about the care and safety of my own children has been called into question.

What next?!

Tears fall. I curl up with my pillow and wait for sleep--and the NEXT big whack, because it's bound to come from somewhere.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Mother at Large blogger gets book deal

... so I thought I'd put it in here, because my blog serves as my own repository of interesting stuff that I may eventually get to check out when time/energy permits. Besides, I'm getting jazzed about getting my own book deal, so kudos to her for getting one. Writers (particularly mothers and fathers) unite!
http://www.motheratlarge.com/

Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams: Randy Pausch

Randy Pausch homepage: http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/

From Carnegie Mellon Resource page:
http://www.cmu.edu/randyslecture/
Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams
Randy Pausch

With equal parts humor and heart, Carnegie Mellon Professor Randy Pausch recently delivered a one-of-a-kind university lecture that moved an overflow crowd at Carnegie Mellon - and is now moving audiences around the globe.

Follow his inspiring journey through his childhood dreams to groundbreaking achievements at Carnegie Mellon.

Co-founder of the university's Entertainment Technology Center and creator of Alice, a revolutionary software that teaches computer programming, Randy shares the lessons he's learned that helped him turn his childhood dreams into reality.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Voting, political action, individual action to make a difference

No Impact Man: Good post on voting, political action and individual action. Amen, Bro.

http://noimpactman.typepad.com/blog/2007/11/individual-vs-p.html

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Yes, I do have a MySpace

I guess you "have to." So yes, I do: http://www.myspace.com/narfutin

I guess it's another way to stay connected in this crazy world. Obviously this blog is THE place to visit to explore my digital exposure/sharing/whatever. But for those who operate on the MySpace highway, this is how to find me.

Narfutin is a word made up by my uncle's former wife; she put it on the grocery list for her parents to take to an up-scale grocery store in West Palm Beach, Florida sometime in the early '90s. We giggled at the idea of her stately parents having to go to the grocers to ask for this mysterious product. Not a very nice prank, but the word stuck.

So that's why you can't find me on MySpace. I'm hiding out. Only a select few will be able to find me, until I get really famous, then I'll be glad I put up a few filters for the legions of fans. Hardee har har.

On rape, to put it bluntly

This is a YouTube clip by a video blogger called Kicesie. She does regular programs called "Advanced Sex Ed." I find her charming, educated, and courageous--and she generally cites her sources.

The following is a link to one powerful episode: To My Terrorist: on rape
or otherwise found at this URL:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekr_msIte_o&NR=1

I won't embed it. If you want to seek it out, please do so. This comes with a warning that it is difficult to watch. Therefore, I don't want anyone to come upon this without being prepared for it.

This is the first in a series of posts that are leading to my own "coming out" about some of my own difficult history. Sometimes hearing the stories of others can help us heal and face our own stories. That is my motivation for sharing, when I eventually do, and I suspect that has been part of Kicesie's motivation in her courageous and articulate video posting.

It's going to take me a while, so the more salacious readers may be disappointed. Those of you who know me very well may already know what I'm talking about. This sharing of stories is one step in a very long process of personal healing.

May we all be well.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Write a Novel in a Month: NaNoWriMo

NaNoWriMo: http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Okay, if I started NOW I'd have half a month. I'm actually considering trying this, but maybe I ought to use any writing energy on the book I already have in progress.

But just in case you get inspired...

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Suffering and other related topics

I just watched Into the Arms of Strangers: Stories of Kindertransport, a documentary by Mark Jonathan Harris. It's about a sort of underground railroad for children that transported more than 10,000 children from Germany and other places to England as World War II was fomenting. I wept for the entire 117-minute film, and the additional interviews in the Special Features section.

This amazing film gave me some perspective about my own situation.

All I could do, when I saw the archival footage and heard the history of the pogroms and the brutality, was say, "Why? Why?! WHY?!"

The horrors are unspeakable. Yet this kind of thing goes on in our world right now. The sheer numbers cited about genocide or the battle casualty scorecards are overwhelming, especially when you think that each one of those numbers represents a REAL INDIVIDUAL HUMAN BEING and the loss of each person has a ripple effect through families and communities and ultimately the entire human race.

I know I need to go back to my media fast; yesterday I happened to be in a waiting room where a television blared CNN coverage of the updated story of a woman who died in police custody at the Phoenix airport. She was on her way from New York to a rehabilitation facility in Tucson, and she lost it,was taken into custody by airport police, and she died from asphixiation, ostensibly from trying to escape from her handcuffs. CNN continually replayed footage of the woman running about the concourse and then being taken by the police. Then they played the recording of the woman's husband very calmly but with great urgency telling the police dispatcher that his wife was suicidal, that she must not be left alone, that the rehab facility was waiting for her in Tucson, that he was greatly concerned that no one was communicating with him about his wife's situation. In between those scenes, they flashed happy family photos of the woman with her three(?) children.

I just bawled openly; the people around me looked away discreetly until I finally got the hell out of there. NO MORE NEWS for Heather. No NPR, no more heart-rending documentaries. No sad movies, no violence, no nuthin'. I just can't take it. My own reality is just a bit too much to take right now without adding the burden of the world's suffering. Selfish or not, that's my prescription.

I just got off the phone with my oldest friend in the world. She lives in Germany and she has five children. She has had her own health issues to deal with, but recently her 7-year-old got hurt at school. He had to have an operation on his foot. BA told me about his hospitalization, her oldest daughter's taking over the household for her brothers for a time while her parents were in and out of the hospital. Her husband is away on business and it's just too much to take. We both want to rescue each other.

"How come we never knew it would be so hard?" She lamented. Can I get a witness?

More weeping ensued, because as hard as it is to endure our own trials, to witness our children's suffering is a zillion times worse than any pain we can endure.

Energy allotment used up. End of post.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Celebrating Eve Ensler: Yeay Vagina Warriors

I'd like to recommend a New Dimensions Radio interview: VICTORY OVER VIOLENCE with Eve Ensler. It airs online this week of November 7. Here's the schedule: http://www.newdimensions.org/ndir.php

You can also listen to the interview on your own schedule on the New Dimensions website: http://www.newdimensions.org/program.php?id=3029

Here are some listening options: http://www.ndbroadcasting.org/listening.php

Also, check out Eve Ensler's website: http://www.vday.org/contents/action/vmail

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Luxury items that are billed as being "green"

Eco-Friendly Extravagance: From eco-couture to the Monaco Yacht Show, the new face of luxury is green.
by Andrea Chalupa Nov 1 2007
Portfolio.com © 2007 Condé Nast Inc.

http://www.portfolio.com/culture-lifestyle/goods/2007/11/01/Green-Luxury-Trend

http://www.portfolio.com/slideshows/2007/11/Green-Luxury-Products

I found this a bit irritating at first, but I suppose I agree with Allen Hershkowitz: every little bit helps. (The article concludes: “Some people might be cynical,” says Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist at the nonprofit Natural Resources Defense Council. “The point is, everybody has to do something, given the nature of the eco-crisis we’re facing. We have to make those luxury goods less of a footprint. [The recycled] labels on vodka bottles matter.”)

Yet more evidence that giving is good

Here is an interesting angle on charitable giving: there's something in it for ME. This is a thought-provoking article, though I'm sure it glosses over SOOOOO much and I'd like to read the entire study and look at the methodology and numbers for myself.

In any case, I'll take it as "good news" because the whole concept of giving and making a positive contribution makes innate sense to me, spiritually and/or in my caudate nucleus and nucleus accumbens. (The article states, "...[N]ew research from the University of Oregon finds that charity stimulates parts of the brain called the caudate nucleus and the nucleus accumbens, which are associated with meeting basic needs such as food and shelter—suggesting to the researchers that our brains know that giving is good for us.")

Duh-uh.

Giving Makes You Rich: New proof that it pays to be charitable.
by Arthur C. Brooks
November 2007 Issue
Portfolio.com © 2007 Condé Nast Inc.
http://www.portfolio.com/views/columns/2007/10/15/Charity-Makes-Wealth

Philanthropy Calculator
http://www.portfolio.com/interactive-features/2007/10/philanthropy-calculator

My report card, according to Brooks, even in this personally dismal economic year:
I donated approximately 1.86% of my income. I still donated a higher percentage of my income than the average person in the United States. That stimulated about 7% of my income. If everyone gave like me, the US economy would grow by 3%.

Boy howdy, look what I could do in a GOOD year.

Saturday, November 3, 2007