Home AGAIN

Turns out after one night at home alone, I couldn't do it. I went to stay with a friend who took great care of me; feeding, trips to docs and pharmacies and labs, help with bathing if only to stand by in case I fell. Lots of opportunity to sleep without looking around my messy house or the In-box in my office and either trying to tackle it or just stewing in my anxiety about it.

Once I could prepare a little meal by myself, and do a couple loads of laundry, I figured I was ready to get back to my abode. So here I am, in my own bed. It's nice.

I'm grateful to have refuge elsewhere, though. This house needs so much attention, and the piles keep growing in the office: bills to pay, disability questionaires, potential freelance projects, tax preparation documents, and the rest. The oranges need to be harvested. The yard needs attention but I can't allow myself to go out there or I'll try to do something about all the problems that will present themselves if I look around.

I'm thinking of going back to my pain specialist. There has to be a way through this; if I can't be compliant with my therapies because of pain, that can't be good.

So, I'm home. This is a big step, and I shouldn't obscure my celebration by listing all the things I CAN'T do while I'm here. It is what it is. Entropy is winning right now, but just wait until I get back to my old self. Or some new and improved version of my old self. Or a brand new self that has not much to do with the old self. Whatever.

Today I decided to lie in my bed, perfectly still, for hours. I didn’t really sleep, but my mind wandered in the same way it did when I was in the hospital. I think pain can do that. The sun slowly makes its way across the sky and changes the quality of light into my bedroom from bright and green from the citrus tree to golden, then pinkish, then it fades to dark. The quail come to roost and coo and rustle in the branches and I lie there, motionless, existing.

I couldn’t reach the phone; the one time I made an effort, I was greeted by a computer. “Attention!!! All Visa and MasterCard--” Click. And toss. Phone now on the floor in the library. It rings, I let it ring. I just lie there embracing my big body pillow, and sink into inertia.

But... I am HOME. Alone. That must be recognized as a Big Step. I tell myself that over and over. It's hard to conceptualize how much work my frail, skinny body is doing as I just lie in bed, in too much pain to move.

So, happy happy joy joy.