Captain's Log. Star Date: WHEN IS THIS GOING TO GET BETTER??? And Happy Chanukah.

November 29, 2007: Outpatient extraction of 163 ccs of straw-colored fluid from swelling in lower back. One prick for numbing medicine, two "bee stings" from large gauge needles, resulting in seven syringes for fluid collection. Culture positive for Staphylococcus. Instructions to lie flat for a couple of days completely disregarded in favor of feeding and caring for wild children.

December 3, 2007: Outpatient extraction of over 100 ccs of straw colored fluid from swelling in lower back. No numbing medicine, two more large gauge needles (stabs, not stings this time), and the syringes were placed in the biohazard box before I counted them. Increasingly clear appearance of fluid indicates probable cerebrospinal fluid leak. Culture results: pending. Instructions: lie flat with as much of a pressure bandage on my lower back as possible, for as long as possible. I was a compliant patient for the rest of that day, all night and a good part of the next day.

December 5, 2007: My Little One spent all night last night with diarrhea and vomiting. I dozed on the living room floor between the bucket brigade and laundry loads. Those pink hospital basins have their uses; three in circulation at a time, accompanied by a stack of towels and washcloths, can help a sick mommy get through a bad night without carrying the child to the bathroom more than once, because that one time will teach her that the doctors meant what they said when they put lifting restrictions on her. Other mommies I know find their ways through these scary kid illnesses and bedwetting and all the rest...

All of that is trivial accounting of time passed. Some of you know the real cause of my despair tonight; I can't write about it here. I can't yet speak of it without weeping.

A few minutes ago I signed off on a message of gratitude to helpful friends to honor their celebration of Chanukah. I'll use it again here:

With remembrance of lights past, gratitude for lights present, and eagerness for lights future, bless us all.