Living In Syn

Brad Lancaster on Water Harvesting on YouTube

2010-04-14T17:07:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iQ-FBAmvBw&feature=related

What I've been up to for the last 30 days

2009-11-30T23:49:00.002-07:00

Time CNN video about solar power

2009-11-26T11:45:00.001-07:00

http://www.time.com/time/video/player/0,32068,33575328001_1916895,00.html

CSA target audience? Invitation for a guest poster

2009-09-29T02:01:00.001-07:00

My friend wrote about her experiences with an intro meeting to the concept... I'd like to invite Amethyst to post her piece on my blog... May I post it here? It's right on target. I'd also like to hear about anyone else's experiences with Community Supported Agriculture.

Go Local: A model for a new economy

2009-09-24T11:38:00.003-07:00

Check this out as a model for a new way to interact to offer our services and products and find what we need.

http://sonomacounty.golocal.coop/

GoLocal's mission is to reclaim our local economic power by . . .

Educating the community on the benefits of supporting a resilient, thriving local economy
Engaging all community stakeholders by providing ownership in the cooperative and process
Formalizing and strengthening community relationships
Sustaining well-being through community reinvestment and enterprise incubation

Jonathan Harris, TED Talk: Our individual and collective stories

2009-09-24T11:25:00.006-07:00

I've been taking some time for rest and personal exploration: reading Jung, watching movies on Netflix, watching and enjoying TED Talks, and sleeping in the middle of the day.

Please take some time to go to TED to investigate the amazing thinking that is presented.

I am moved to share one particular TED talk, which is a bit arbitrary because of all the other worthy ones I've seen lately. I suppose it's the nature of his work that makes me want to share it on the Blog.

This talk by Jonathan Harris, about our individual and collective stories, will serve as a fantastic introduction if you aren't familiar with TED. http://www.ted.com/talks/jonathan_harris_tells_the_web_s_secret_stories.html

Here are some links to some of the projects he mentions:

We Feel Fine: http://www.wefeelfine.org/mission.html

Universe: http://universe.daylife.com/

Jonathan Harris's website: http://www.number27.org/, which is where I'll leave off because all of his projects are linked there.

Enjoy.

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

2009-09-09T11:44:00.002-07:00

[This is cross-posted on my Facebook page; some of you may encounter it twice. I welcome comments, questions, etc.]

We’ve all seen the list ‘20 things about me’ and ‘50 thing about me you didn’t know’. They can actually be interesting if you want to get to know the person better! Well, we’ve got one I haven’t seen anywhere yet, ‘30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know.’

Just copy and paste it below and put it up on your blog, send it to your friends, paste in on Facebook (if it’s too long, put it in your ‘notes’ section.)

Let’s spread the word about Invisible Illness Week this way. It’s a wonderful way to share a little bit about your life. And don’t forget to add the last paragraph so people know where to find us!

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know
by Heather Severson

1. The illness I live with is: Arachnoiditis (see a good explanation of this condition. It’s right on target for what I endure.)
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2007
3. But I had symptoms since: 2003
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Losing custody of my children.
5. Most people assume: I can’t begin to guess what “most people” assume about me and this illness. Why don’t you tell me what your assumptions are?
6. The hardest part about mornings is: Waking up from dreams where I was active and moving and free, to find out I’m still in this pained body.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Oh, I don’t watch tv so I guess the only one I know about at all is ER.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My TENS unit. (Transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation)
9. The hardest part about nights is: Insomnia due to pain.
10. Each day I take this many pills and vitamins: 10 prescription pills & occasionally a handful of vitamins.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Appreciate acupuncture and wish I could pay for more regular treatments. I wish things like that were covered under health insurance because I think they help keep other health-related costs down.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Neither. I would choose to be healthy. I would like it if I didn’t have to put up with indignant glances and even comments when I need to use my handicap parking placard. On the days I don’t need it, I don’t use it. But when I need it, I really need it. I don’t want the pity or lack of understanding from complete strangers who might judge me if my condition were more obvious, either. I’m still just as much of a human being now as I was before I got sick. You can still look me in the eye even if I’m in a wheelchair or bedbound.
13. Regarding working and career: I feel bereft and robbed of my intentions and efforts to follow my calling and make a significant contribution to my profession. But I’m going to try to do something, anyway. My goal is to support myself and my family (and evidently, whether I want to or not, my ex-husband) with my own work and income, and begin contributing to social security instead of depending on my small disability benefit. It’s not nearly enough to live on, even with the most reduced quality of life or lifestyle. Believe me, it’s not living the high life to have to accept that monthly payment. I really doubt that anyone who accepts this kind of assistance is lazy and content to “live off the government” or whatever it was that a certain person might accuse me of… or that I worried about in the months I put off applying because of a strange sense of pride or guilt or Puritan work ethic. I’m willing to bet that an enormous percentage of people who receive disability benefits would be back at work instantly if they could leave behind the condition that led to their disability in the first place. Part of our purpose as human beings is to do important, meaningful work. It is extremely depressing to feel that one can’t make a positive contribution.
14. People would be surprised to know: Again, I can’t begin to know what other people think. What surprises you?
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Besides losing custody of the children, I’m bitter about not being able to teach SCUBA diving, go hiking and camping, take care of the regular household and garden tasks that I could do when I was healthy and strong. I miss teaching. The list goes on. Nothing about this is easy.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Survive 8 surgeries and countless hospitalizations, with the associated trauma that is meant to help heal, but that hurts and causes lasting physical pain and emotional upset. If I explained it, you would probably feel like throwing up, so I’ll spare you the details of spinal taps, central line installation and failure, IV bruises, side effects of anesthesia, spinal headaches and the rest.
17. The commercials about my illness: Don’t seem to exist. At least I’ve never seen a television, print or online ad about it. Of course, in terms of media, I don’t get out much.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Rock climbing, SCUBA diving, hiking, camping, climbing up on to my roof to clean the rain gutters, driving long distances, traveling, you name it. I still miss all of it.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: Custody of the kids. I can’t accept it. It’s hard to give up my old active life. I can’t stand being dependent. I was always the one to depend on, the one who could get things done.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Facebook, evidently. ☹
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Go SCUBA diving or backpacking. Pick up my kids and dance around with them. Run around chasing them and piling on the ground in a fit of little boy giggles.
22. My illness has taught me: Compassion. Appreciation for health. Not to judge others because I never really know what suffering they may endure that I cannot see or be aware of. People are resilient and strong. Unfortunately, some people, in their own pain or lack of experience, can be really mean and insensitive.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: “It’s all for the best” type comments or “I know how you feel,” or “Get over it,” or “It’s not that bad.”
24. But I love it when people: Treat me as they ever did, as a friend. I really appreciate it when I can do something to help my friends. I’m not helpless in all ways, I just can’t do much physically.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: This too shall pass, or Everything is temporary.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Cry whenever you can. Don’t let yourself become emotionally numb. Be prepared for depression, which is an inevitable companion to chronic pain and probably a result of the lost opportunities and capabilities that are consequences of this condition and whatever led up to it. Be strong. Take your pain medicines without apology. Do a good deal of research so you can learn what questions to ask of your medical team. Ask those questions until you get satisfactory answers. If a medication makes you feel weird in any way, ask the doctor or pharmacist about it. There are alternatives that might not make you suffer strange and debilitating side effects. Try alternative therapies. Ask for help. Accept help. Read the Chronic Pain Patient’s Basic Rights . The one I like best and try to take to heart is, “Do less than you are humanly capable of doing.”
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: It is still possible to be happy.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: I can’t count the specific kindnesses I have received during this ordeal from friends, family, work colleagues, health professionals and utter strangers. One thing that comes to mind is that Cathy came from Ohio to spend a week or so taking care of me after one of my early surgeries. I’ll never forget the comfort that came from knowing my household was in her capable hands. I mean, NEVER. I summon up the feeling as a self-soothing device when I need it. I survive on gratitude. Thank you to all of you who continue to be here for me.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: It’s very frightening to put all this out there, even in the limited scope of publishing on Facebook. I’ll take up the challenge to speak for others who may not be able to do so. I’ve learned that what is true for me is often true for many others. If I can articulate some idea or concept that leads to compassionate treatment of someone else in my circumstances, this will have been worth the effort and exposure.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Appreciative. Time is precious and if you have read this I’m grateful for your time and attention. If you have learned anything, pass it on. If you have questions, please feel free to ask me anything.

Find out more about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and the 5-day free virtual conference with 20 speakers Sept 14-18, 2009 at http://invisibleillnessweek.com

* 6 Reasons I Support Invisible Illness Week
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Ignorance is not bliss for the people who suffer from the consequences of ignorance.
3. Compassion can be contagious.
4. It hurts to be sick on so many levels that someone who has never suffered like this may gain appreciation for his or her own relative good health, and may practice more nuanced compassion by learning about illness.
5. It is likely that everyone will encounter a severe illness in his or her life, whether personally or in someone he or she loves. It’s good to know there are resources for support standing at the ready when that crisis occurs.
6. I would like to provide more opportunities and excuses for kindness in this world.

Tucson Organic Gardeners Provides Composting Info and More

2009-08-28T19:55:00.002-07:00

http://www.tucsonorganicgardeners.org/compostinginformation.htm

Tucson Organic Gardeners provides lectures, demonstrations, and informative documents about composting and all kinds of other cool gardening information. Check 'em out!

Composting in the Desert

2009-08-28T19:51:00.000-07:00

From Technicians for Sustainability
http://tfssolar.com/1767/composting-in-the-desert/

Composting in the Desert: (and plant sale)
Oct. 24, 2009, time TBA

St Marks Presbyterian Church View Larger Map 3809 E 3rd Street The garden is actually on 2nd Street, so park in the lot off 2nd.

Tucson Organic Gardeners is explaining all you need to know to get started in composting, to maintain your compost, use your compost and even help your neighbors. Bring all your questions too. They'll have a plant sale at the same time.

Cost: $10 TOG members $15 non-members

Call TOGs info line, 670-9158 and leave a message if you will be attending

Edible Desert Plants and a cool blog to boot...

2009-08-28T16:43:00.002-07:00

http://tucsoncitizen.com/wryheat/2009/08/01/edible-desert-plants-barrel-cactus-fruit/

I'm always interested in learning more about edible plants, particularly those native to our desert southwest. If you know any good sources of information, can tell some good stories, or have a recipe or two, chime in!

(I know I'm neglecting this Blog but I want to keep throwing out some tidbits of information that support my theme until I can "sustain" the Blog in a more substantial way. I don't even know who reads this stuff, so it's hard to stay motivated to write about it when I'm so busy practicing LivingInSyn. If there's anyone out there, send me a peep... or contribute to the dialogue... a readership is mighty motivating.)

Questions about energy-efficient heater/air conditioning system

2009-08-05T11:43:00.002-07:00

I had to have my air conditioner serviced last week; I'd gone as far as I could poking around in there without causing potential damage, so I called for help. As we settled our business at the end of the service, we chatted about newer, far more efficient models of heaters/air conditioners. They are pricey but there are often rebates available, and the service guy (what's the right job title? I dunno) said they pay for themselves very quickly. I want to quantify "very." So here's the third in a series of questions that don't yet have answers. Feedback, anecdotes and suggestions welcome!

Questions about water- and energy-efficient washers and dryers

2009-08-05T11:36:00.003-07:00

Another friend is looking into purchasing a water-and energy-efficient washer and dryer set. She's conflicted about getting rid of a perfectly good washer and dryer in the interests of efficiency. Is it worth it? How much energy and water savings result from the exchange? What are the downsides? Are there any unexpected benefits?

I'll post this in the interest of gaining feedback, and like the com-"post" I'll revisit the blog when I have some answers.

Questions about desert composting

2009-08-05T11:28:00.006-07:00

My friend just started composting at her new place... I'm going to add her questions to my own blog, since composting is my "thing" and see if I can address them, answering her inquiries and maybe informing others as well.

Questions Specific to Composting in the Desert/ Tucson:
1. Has anyone figured out if this is really worthwhile, considering that I am having to water my compost pile with precious ground water every other day or so?
2. How do I know if I am keeping the pile moist enough? In general, how do I know if I am tending my compost pile correctly for maximum results?
3. Any tricks for keeping the pile moist enough?
4. What kinds of bugs and critters are normal to expect around a compost pile? I know I should be on the lookout for neighborhood cats, but is there anything else I should worry about? I've got lots of ants and other miscellaneous little bugs. I also noticed some weird chrysalises (sp?) They were about 1 1/2" in diameter, white with a red tip on one end, curled into a circle and looked nasty-- some kind of beetle or something? Hopefully not cockroaches? Ew.

If any readers have suggestions, feel free to chime in!

Stay tuned for more information!

In the meantime, I addressed composting in a previous post: Compost Happens. There are some links to composting in that post, though I haven't checked them for link rot. I'll surely find more information in the quest for answers to these questions.

Thank you for your donation

2009-07-28T03:35:00.001-07:00

Thank you for your contribution. It will go to good use in building our sustainable lifestyle... My children and I thank you. (Happy Dance of Appreciation)

Parenting Resources, Disability Research

2009-02-18T13:12:00.005-07:00

I've just finished reading The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident Kids in an Age of Self-Importance, by Polly Young-Eisendrath. (2008) Little, Brown & Co.

Perusing the bibliography and notes, I looked into the Arkansas Center for Effective Parenting (http://parenting-ed.org/default.asp). This website led me down a long path, exploring various handouts about parenting.

I also found The National Center for the Dissemination of Disability Research, which has all kinds of information on just what it describes.

I am beginning to take part in a Mind-Body Skills Group presented by the University of Arizona College of Medicine, Department of Psychology. It's all part of my self-improvement, self-educating efforts, which may help me find some worthwhile distraction from all my woes of the past few years. Perhaps it will help me reestablish some sense of purpose, so that I can get anchored into "real life" at some point.

In calm, idle moments, I have finally begun to ponder the significance of my experiences with illness and single parenting and disability and custody battles and failure and all that, hoping to get my words around these things to preserve some insight for myself, and perhaps for others. Perhaps I'll get around to posting some of these thoughts on the blog.

Sometimes I think about this blog and my purposes for starting it, and I realize it goes neglected far too long if I am to make it into a relevant outlet for my insights and inquiries. But it takes its place among the lowest items on my priority list.

In talking with the physiologist at my physical therapist's office, I realized that I've been immersed in day-to-day survival more than what I once enjoyed as authentic, if sometimes frantic, living. I don't have anything to look forward to, and I've been set adrift in my life in a way I never was before when I was busy busy busy doing my work and scholarship and recreation, then parenting and householding. Perhaps it's time to get out the paper and write about short term, long term and life goals.

Anyway, maybe I'm back online, but maybe not. In the meantime, happy February... we're already well on our way into 2009. Astounding.

Parenting Resource and Shout Out to Marla

2008-12-05T14:18:00.005-07:00

A shout out to Marla, featured in an interesting blog that bears further investigation:
http://happyhealthyhip.blogspot.com/2008/12/what-makes-marla-happy-healthy-hip.html

The blog is Hip Heathy Parenting, at http://www.happyhealthyhip.com/index.php

I know I need all the help I can get in the parenting department.

Low-water use landscaping, here and there

2008-10-31T14:26:00.006-07:00

Here's another information resource about landscape water conservation in Pima County: http://ag.arizona.edu/pima/smartscape/

If you have similar resources for your location, if distant from the desert southwest, please share in the comments section. What kind of water conservation efforts exist in more moist climates? For example, the Portland Water Bureau provides information for its customers at http://www.portlandonline.com/WATER/index.cfm?c=29334

Tucson Water Home Toilet Rebate and Toilet Information for All!

2008-10-31T14:15:00.003-07:00

I installed my water efficient toilets in October 2006, so I can't make use of this, but maybe you can. Tucson Water is offering rebates to help qualifying customers replace old, inefficient pre-1991 toilets with new, high-performance, water-efficient toilet fixtures. See this website for a list of over 200 USEPA-approved toilets. (Readers who don't live in Tucson can check this out, too.) http://www.epa.gov/watersense/pp/find_het.htm

If any of you, my readers, make use of information on this Blog, will you let me know in the comments section? I'd like to hear if any of this makes any practical difference. Thanks!

Resources regarding electronic recycling and environmental solutions

2008-10-30T20:28:00.005-07:00

I've been looking for work, and giving some of these social/professional networking sites a try. I got this tidbit from a Sustainability Professionals group discussion on LinkedIn. Take note of the disclaimer, but see if any of this information helps you make decisions about what to do with electronic waste.

SmartEE Consulting: smart e-recycling and environmental solutions
http://www.smarteeconsulting.com/resources/

NaNoWriMo loves HeatherHeather

2008-10-29T15:44:00.003-07:00

Well, I did it. You can track my progress and goofy communiqués at the NaNoWriMo Website. Wouldn't it be cool if I could sell the results of this effort to pay child support? (Wait until I tell you THAT story. Stay tuned.)

NaNoWriMo: Write a 175-page novel in a month

2008-10-29T15:27:00.006-07:00

It's that time again... and THIS time I'm gonna do it. Perhaps I'll be able to keep you posted. (You never know with this blog...) Check out this excerpt from the site's 'About' page. Then register, if you dare, and donate, if you care...

http://www.nanowrimo.org/

What is NaNoWriMo?

National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30.

Valuing enthusiasm and perseverance over painstaking craft, NaNoWriMo is a novel-writing program for everyone who has thought fleetingly about writing a novel but has been scared away by the time and effort involved.

Because of the limited writing window, the ONLY thing that matters in NaNoWriMo is output. It's all about quantity, not quality. The kamikaze approach forces you to lower your expectations, take risks, and write on the fly.

Make no mistake: You will be writing a lot of crap. And that's a good thing. By forcing yourself to write so intensely, you are giving yourself permission to make mistakes. To forgo the endless tweaking and editing and just create. To build without tearing down.

As you spend November writing, you can draw comfort from the fact that, all around the world, other National Novel Writing Month participants are going through the same joys and sorrows of producing the Great Frantic Novel. Wrimos meet throughout the month to offer encouragement, commiseration, and—when the thing is done—the kind of raucous celebrations that tend to frighten animals and small children.

In 2007, we had over 100,000 participants. More than 15,000 of them crossed the 50k finish line by the midnight deadline, entering into the annals of NaNoWriMo superstardom forever. They started the month as auto mechanics, out-of-work actors, and middle school English teachers. They walked away novelists.

So, to recap:

What: Writing one 50,000-word novel from scratch in a month's time.

Who: You! We can't do this unless we have some other people trying it as well. Let's write laughably awful yet lengthy prose together.

Why: The reasons are endless! To actively participate in one of our era's most enchanting art forms! To write without having to obsess over quality. To be able to make obscure references to passages from our novels at parties. To be able to mock real novelists who dawdle on and on, taking far longer than 30 days to produce their work.

When: You can sign up anytime to add your name to the roster and browse the forums. Writing begins November 1. To be added to the official list of winners, you must reach the 50,000-word mark by November 30 at midnight. Once your novel has been verified by our web-based team of robotic word counters, the partying begins.

Still confused? Just visit the How NaNoWriMo Works page!

Bibliofile and other adventures

2008-10-29T12:05:00.018-07:00

I'm trying to get back to some semblance of normal life after the devastating events of late (more about those another time). In revisiting the blog, I found myself overwhelmed by my sidebar of links. I don't want to lose easy access to these resources, so I'll put them here in a post. We'll see what happens with the sidebar later.

Enjoy...

Sustainability

Arid Lands Newsletter

Cradle to Cradle: Remaking the Way We Make Things

Office of Arid Lands Studies

Rainwater Harvesting for Dry Lands

Sonoran Permaculture Guild

Technicians for Sustainability

The Breakthrough Institute

Quality of Life

Slow Food International

Slow Food USA

Reading

CraftLit: A Podcast for Crafters Who Love Books

Writing

Southern Arizona Writing Project

National Writing Project

Bad Teachers

Books about educator sexual misconduct

Educate WCS: Dedicated to eliminating ignorance surrounding sex offenders

Stop Educator Sexual Abuse, Misconduct, and Exploitation

Talk of the Nation: Sexual Misconduct in the School System

Talk of the Nation: Spotting Sexual Misconduct in Schools

Teacher Abuse: All Things Considered

Knowledge is Power

Kicesie: Sex Ed Guru

Negentropy Defined

Pleiades

To The Best of Our Knowledge

Friends

It's The Little Things

Mama O Knits Too Much

Scenes From a Broken Hand

Amusements

The Onion

Things My Boyfriend Says

Where the hell is Matt

xkcd comics

Dancing... despite devastation, disappointment and despondency

2008-09-04T17:18:00.017-07:00

I came home from a court appearance and I REALLY REALLY needed this, so thanks Mama O for posting it so I could take it for my own sharing.

This video helps me come up for air after what happened to me today.

Kinda sorta like Harold and his Purple Crayon

2008-09-03T17:35:00.004-07:00

I'm stealing humor and wonder again... Check this out:
http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf

I'm baaaaack... and thinking thoughts of thanks

2008-09-03T16:42:00.005-07:00

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted… I have had to be selective about where to invest my energies. Part of the reason I declined opportunities to post here is the onerous legal battle I’m involved in. Many times when I take up pen or place fingers to keyboard, all that pours out of me is grief and rage and bewilderment. It’s either that or complex legal statements.

I’m still not done with the custody battle, in fact, the trial will take place in 14 days. I am by no means done with composition of legal documents as I prepare my defense. I think that when the trial is over, I may describe the incredibly convoluted process I’ve been dragged through for the last seven months. As the case is pending, I must proceed with caution.

In addition to the child custody fiasco, I’ve been occupied with material survival. I have to make difficult decisions to sustain myself while I am unable to work. It’s difficult to cope with extended disability when the trauma occurs for a relative young, self-employed person. There aren’t any “programs” or plans for relief.

To all of you who are employed, I must recommend that you examine your company’s short- and long-term disability plans and ask yourself some hard questions about your circumstances. I had a pretty solid rainy-day fund, but the costs of a year-long contested divorce, eight surgeries, complicated diagnostic procedures and rehabilitation efforts ate it up quickly. Who knew my rainy day would last over three years?

“I can carry snakes when their legs are broken or they're so stressed out…” Big One just said as he proudly displayed his Lego mobile jungle, complete with trees for sick pythons to hang out in. The boys are visiting for the long weekend and they play near me as I lie down to rest after an active morning. [This was composed a couple of days ago but I couldn't get into the blog until I switched from IE to Mozilla.]

I often wonder what effect this vicious battle between their parents, compounded by my long, slow recovery, has on my little boys. I watch them carefully for signs of distress and do what I can to comfort them, but sometimes they ask hard questions. They frequently toss off comments or create artwork that demonstrate real disruption of their childhood. Their memories are clearly not foggy—I hope that I’m successfully creating some happy memories for them to crowd out or mediate the bad ones.

I am reading a book called, My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey, by Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D. At age 37, this neuroanatomist suffered a severe stroke. It took her eight years to recover, and she wrote about her experiences. I keep my pencil handy to write conversational responses and highlight particular insights, descriptions or recommendations. I am struck by some significant similarities to my own experience. The fact that she was the same age as I was when her trauma began helps me identify with her. Her descriptions of the hospital environments and the medical personnel ring all too true—or too close for my comfort, at any rate. Best of all is the articulation of her absolute conviction that she would recover and her gratitude for the love and support she received to make that recovery possible. Reading about those things inspired me to come back to the Blog.

In the beginning, cards and flowers poured in from all over the world to offer condolences for my difficulties. Then came myriad performances of assistance: grocery runs, rides to doctors’ offices or therapy, and in at least two cases, emergency transportation to the hospital when I was in the greatest pain of my life.

My friends and colleagues brought homemade food and encouraged me to eat when I had to combat my uncooperative appetite. My compost was stirred. My garden was watered. CJL came from Cincinnati with her son and did EVERYTHING to take care of me and my household for several days. The K family and the S family sent money to help with the costs of childcare assistance.

My sister and her boyfriend came to offer some wonderful celebration during the boys’ birthday season, and left the house better than they found it with all of their fix-it projects. My parents came and as well as all the sweet and practical assistance they offered, they set up our childhood playhouse for the boys to use as a clubhouse in the back yard. I learned how to play Dominoes on one lovely Christmas season evening right before I reentered the hospital for what would turn out to be my last two surgeries.

People who I once faced in the context of job interviews assisted me from bed to toilet. I NEVER could have imagined such a scenario while I handed over my CV and did my earnest best to convince them of my qualifications.

It would take several paragraphs to describe what SK has done to help me.

I received literally hundreds of email messages, cards, letters and phone calls with good wishes. I was put on prayer lists in churches of different denominations. I know without question that I was (and still am) buoyed up by an invisible but invincible web of good wishes, blessings, prayers, intentions and “good vibes,” or whatever labels we might apply to that sort of thing.

I have been remiss in communicating my thanks to all of these people. I once loved writing thank you cards… beyond polite social practice, they were a tangible expression of gratitude and opportunity to experience the associated emotions again in a focused way. I think I might have managed to send a few in the very beginning. But I stopped writing them. One day I picked up a box of cards that had actually collected dust, and put it back in the closet because it was haunting me with an onerous sense of obligation that I was incapable of meeting.

When my oldest boy was born, JKO from New York City sent a welcome gift. In the card she wrote, “Don’t send a thank you card. Go take a NAP!” I sent one anyway, but the sentiment has stayed with me all this time. She sent TWO gifts in that little baby blue package. I am making a big assumption each time I choose the nap and put off the task of writing and sending a card, but in many instances, the nap was what saved me or at least made it possible to go on for another day. The assumption is that anyone who loves me will forgive me for shirking duties of etiquette.

That said, I think it’s time to take a nap. I’m going to doze while my kids watch The Muppet Show.

Recycling/Reusing PCs and other electronic stuff

2008-05-06T09:20:00.007-07:00

From CNET News.com: Refurbishing an old approach to PC recycling

There is an easy, cheap, and environmentally friendly way to recycle PCs, cell phones, and other electronics, according to Jeff Ziegler, CEO of Austin's TechTurn: reuse them.

The company, one of many that specialize in disposing of old electronics, says refurbishing offers the most efficient alternative to dealing with the world's growing mound of e-waste. Energy doesn't get wasted pulling old computers apart and melting down components into raw materials. Additionally, energy and natural resources aren't consumed for a new PC because the old one has effectively usurped demand for it.

Approximately 80 percent of the notebooks that come into the company's facility get refurbished and resold. The rest get picked apart and sold by component, or munched and melted.

Circumstances... are slowly bringing refurbishing back in vogue. The IT asset recovery business now accounts for about $6 billion in revenue a year, according to David Daoud, an analyst at IDC. Most of that comes from selling refurbs.

E-waste regulations are a significant driver. The European Union and 4 states have created mandatory recycling measures, and 20 others will likely do so in the next two years.

The United States alone gets rid of about 60 million PCs a year. While corporations hire outside companies to take away their old stuff, individuals are often at a loss.

"There are billions of units sitting in closets right now," Ziegler said.

Related story: Trash that PC in an eco-friendly way

The Environmental Protection Agency (e-cyling Frequently Asked Questions--check it out) estimates that 1 percent to 4 percent of all solid waste generated in this country comes from consumer electronics. That percentage is likely to grow as more and more people add PCs, cell phones, DVD players and other gadgets to their collections.

So what products do I need to recycle?
Basically, anything with a circuit board. Older monitors and televisions are especially bad because of all the lead used in the CRT (cathode ray tube) to shield the viewer from radiation. But PCs, cell phones, VCRs, DVD players, printers and even digital alarm clocks should not be tossed out with the regular trash.

How do I do it?
Consumers and local governments are getting much better at recognizing the need to treat electronic waste differently from last night's leftovers. Many communities hold special hazardous-waste collection days or designate centers where electronic waste like old monitors, televisions or PCs can be dropped off for free.

Local computer recycling outfits are another place where you can make sure your PC is properly discarded.

PC vendors are also getting into the act, offering programs in which they take back old PCs when one of their customers purchases a new one.

What else can be done?
PC companies and local recyclers also refurbish older equipment in order to extend its lifetime. People often throw out PCs or printers that can be salvaged and resold on secondary markets or donated to charitable organizations.

Sustainability and The Meaning of Life

2008-03-25T19:30:00.002-07:00

Check this out at No Impact Man: http://noimpactman.typepad.com/blog/2008/03/the-meaning-of.html

I can't help falling in love

2008-03-18T19:10:00.001-07:00

Can't Help Falling In Love - Elvis cover
by friends of a friend... in other words, friends I haven't met yet. I'm told that this is how they spend every lunch break.

Polyglots unite!

2008-03-18T12:54:00.002-07:00

You know I sometimes can't resist posting horrifying things, and I'm a little reluctant to even give this thing an audience, but in the interests of knowing what we're up against, I'll overcome my revulsion and throw it up on the blog. It's a complicated issue and my assertion that I'm icked out by this does not comprise my entire position statement on the issue. (How's that for a disclaimer?)

Anyway...

Colin Beaven (No Impact Man): Opportunities to build community and relationships

2008-03-18T12:46:00.003-07:00

A happier planet makes for happier people. See No Impact Man talk about our common cause on YouTube:

New American Dream, The Story of Stuff, Another Way...

2008-03-18T12:16:00.010-07:00

The Center for a New American Dream helps Americans consume responsibly to protect the environment, enhance quality of life, and promote social justice.

The organization has released? promotes? a film, The Story of Stuff. Accompanying resources include a list of recommended readings. I'll emphasize the following items:

--Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv (2006)

--Affluenza by John Degraaf, David Wann, Thomas Naylor, 2nd edition (2005)

--Your Money Or Your Life by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin (2000)

--The Overspent American: Why We Want What we Don't Need by Juliet Schor (1999)

--Stuff: The secret lives of everyday things, by Alan Durning (1997)

--How Much is Enough? by Alan Durning (1992)

--Take Back Your Time: Fighting Overwork and Time Poverty in America by John De Graaf (2003)

--Slowing Down to the Speed of Life by Richard Carlson and Joseph Bailey (1997)

--The Overworked American: The Unexpected Decline of Leisure by Juliet Schor (1992)

--Made to Break by Giles Slade (2006) (addresses Planned Obsolescence)

--The Waste Makers by Vance Packard (1960)(addresses Planned Obsolescence)

--Born to Buy: A Groundbreaking Expose of a Marketing Culture That Makes Children Believe They Are What They Own by Juliet Schor (2005)

--Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television by Jerry Mander (1978)

--Cradle to Cradle: Remaking the Way We Make Things by William McDonough, Michael Braungart, (2002) (listed in my Biblio File...)

--YES! (www.yesmagazine.org) spotlights the visionary ideas and practical actions for building a just, sustainable, and compassionate world.

Another resource is a list of actions we can take. Another Way: Everyone can make a difference, but the bigger your action the bigger the difference you’ll make.

My favorite excerpts:
--Look for opportunities in your life to significantly reduce energy use: drive less, fly less, turn off lights, buy local seasonal food (food takes energy to grow, package, store and transport), wear a sweater instead of turning up the heat, use a clothesline instead of a dryer, vacation closer to home, buy used or borrow things before buying new, recycle. All these things save energy and save you money. And, if you can switch to alternative energy by supporting a company that sells green energy to the grid or by installing solar panels on your home, bravo!

--Use both sides of the paper, carry your own mugs and shopping bags, get printer cartridges refilled instead of replaced, compost food scraps, avoid bottled water and other over packaged products, upgrade computers rather than buying new ones, repair and mend rather than replace…

--A student once asked Cesar Chavez how he organized. He said, “First, I talk to one person. Then I talk to another person.” “No,” said the student, “how do you organize?” Chavez answered, “First I talk to one person. Then I talk to another person.” You get the point. Talking about these issues raises awareness, builds community and can inspire others to action.

--Write letters to the editor and submit articles to local press.

--On-line activism is a good start, but spending time in face-to-face civic or community activities strengthens the community and many studies show that a stronger community is a source of social and logistical support, greater security and happiness. A strong community is also critical to having a strong, active democracy.

--Driving less and walking more is good for the climate, the planet, your health, and your wallet. But sometimes we don’t have an option to leave the car home because of inadequate bike lanes or public transportation options. Then, we may need to march, to join with others to demand sustainable transportation options.

--Change your lightbulbs…and then, change your paradigm. Changing lightbulbs is quick and easy. Energy efficient lightbulbs use 75% less energy and last 10 times longer than conventional ones. That’s a no-brainer. But changing lightbulbs is just tinkering at the margins of a fundamentally flawed system unless we also change our paradigm. A paradigm is a collection of assumptions, concepts, beliefs and values that together make up a community’s way of viewing reality. Our current paradigm dictates that more stuff is better, that infinite economic growth is desirable and possible, and that pollution is the price of progress. To really turn things around, we need to nurture a different paradigm based on the values of sustainability, justice, health, and community.

--Recycle your trash…and, recycle your elected officials. Recycling saves energy and reduces both waste and the pressure to harvest and mine new stuff. Unfortunately, many cities still don’t have adequate recycling systems in place. In that case you can usually find some recycling options in the phone book to start recycling while you’re pressuring your local government to support recycling city-wide. Also, many products – for example, most electronics - are designed not to be recycled or contain toxics so recycling is hazardous. In these cases, we need to lobby government to prohibit toxics in consumer products and to enact Extended Producer Responsibility (EPR) laws, as is happening in Europe. EPR is a policy which holds producers responsible for the entire lifecycle of their products, so that electronics company who use toxics in their products, have to take them back. That is a great incentive for them to get the toxics out!

--Shopping is not the solution to the environmental problems we currently face because the real changes we need just aren’t for sale in even the greenest shop. But, when we do shop, we should ensure our dollars support businesses that protect the environment and worker rights....[B]uying less may be the best option of all. Less pollution. Less Waste. Less time working to pay for the stuff. Sometimes, less really is more.

Article in The Sun: Bridging the Green Divide

2008-03-18T11:58:00.004-07:00

No Impact Man writes about Environmentalism and Social Justice, and cites this article... I've been thinking a lot about how personal life crises affect efforts toward planetary salvation. I am clearly not the only one. These are matters we MUST address with calm urgency. Is it possible that helping to clean up the planet will help us clean up our own lives, even when we are in the deepest despair or facing the most intense personal challenges? Does it work both ways? Achieving individual self-actualization would certainly better equip us to take on the planet's woes. However, it's impossible to be fully self-actualized if our house is in such disarray. If we could effect personal improvement alongside planetary improvement, that would be nice.

Until I can recover sufficiently to articulate my concerns, I will continue to point to others who have managed to do that job.

Food for thought.

Love and romance: A few cautionary tales from xkcd (I'm hooked)

2008-03-18T10:50:00.003-07:00

Fixed Width

Librarians (ouch!)

Dating Service

Dream Girl

Hamiltonian

Journal and payback...

xkcd: A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language.

2008-03-18T10:35:00.006-07:00

This is a gem... Here are some of my favorites on the first pass. Browse away... some good stuff here.

Useless

Commitment

Angular Momentum

and most appropriate for this context: Bored with the Internet

Improv Everywhere

2008-03-16T19:05:00.003-07:00

Improveverywhere: http://improveverywhere.com/2008/01/31/frozen-grand-central/

Thanks, Mama O Knits Too Much...

More of that pesky pleonexia

2008-03-05T03:41:00.012-07:00

Declutter your kitchen to improve your health: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/03/03/putting-your-kitchen-on-a-diet/ Peter Walsh, organization expert and author says, "All of us deal constantly with the urge to consume more. We spend too much, we buy too much, and we eat too much."

See the full New York Times article on clutter and health here: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/01/health/01well.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

(In another NYT piece, Manny Weintraub, a former managing director and top-performing money manager for Neuberger Berman who formed his own investment advisory firm in late 2003, says, “Like your mother told you, the rule should be that if you don’t have anything nice to buy, don’t buy anything.”)

I've been exposed to this idea many times before, and I'm convinced that it works. Life gets better after a good sweep of unnecessary stuff into a box to take to Goodwill. Though I possess VERY little expertise on the subject, I like the Feng Shui principles about clutter and energy. I also like the idea that something I store in a closet might be so much happier with someone who will use and appreciate that object. Well, I'll be happier that way, whether or not my "stuff" has any emotion about where it lives.

I also like the idea of STOPPING consumption as much as I can. Honestly, what do I NEED that I don't already have? Funny how being in the hospital and then house-bound can make those "essential" trips to Costco seem so humorously indulgent now. I could use a bulk package of toilet paper, though...

Does Television Belong in a Child's Bedroom?

2008-03-05T03:27:00.002-07:00

Link to New York Times blog: Does Television Belong in a Child's Bedroom? http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/03/03/does-tv-belong-in-a-childs-bedroom/

I say No Way.

Also: The Cure for Exhaustion: Get More Exercise: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/02/29/the-cure-for-exhaustion-more-exercise/

I say, Okay.

Dear Politician...

2008-03-05T02:16:00.002-07:00

[Submitted to Senator Kyl via webform on February 20, 2008]
[Submitted to Senator McCain via webform on February 20, 2008]
[Submitted to Representative Giffords on February 21, 2008]

February 20, 2008

Dear Senator McCain/Kyl or Representative Giffords,

I am writing to request that you sign the 2008 Senate Dear Colleague letter encouraging the Senate Appropriations Subcommittee on Labor, Health and Human Services, Education, and Related Agencies to continue to increase its support for the National Writing Project in Fiscal Year 2009.

Last week a Dear Colleague letter was sent to every member of the Senate, circulated by Senators Rockefeller (D-WV), Snowe (R-ME), and Bingaman (D-NM). You are invited to add your signature to the letter in support of a $30 million appropriation for the National Writing Project. Senators Max Baucus (D-MT), Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ), Patrick Leahy (D-VT), and Blanche Lincoln (D-AR) have already signed the letter. In 2006 and 2007, the senators from Arizona did not sign this letter of support. I urge you to add your name to the list of senators who support this essential program.

You can sign the Dear Colleague letter by contacting Barbara Pryor with Senator Rockefeller’s office at 224-2578, Matthew Hussey with Senator Snowe’s office at 224-5344, or Michael Yudin with Senator Bingaman’s office at 224-5521.

Support for the National Writing Project is crucial for the improvement of writing education from kindergarten through 12th grade. The National Writing Project is the only national program that works to improve the teaching of writing in the nation's schools. The National Writing Project has been proven effective by outside evaluators and has become a model for improving classroom instruction in other academic fields. Ninety-seven percent of teachers surveyed by Inverness Research Associates (http://www.inverness-research.org/nwp_ppt.html) in 2005 said that what they learn in the NWP core program translates into improved teaching and improved writing skills for their students.

If you would like to see teacher development in action, I would like to invite you to attend a session of the 2008 Southern Arizona Writing Project Summer Institute. This professional development course takes place Monday – Thursday, 8:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m., June 9- July 3, 2008 at the University of Arizona. There you will see the tremendous impact the National Writing Project has on local teachers. Their enthusiasm is palpable. By steeping themselves in their own writing and creating teaching demonstrations for their colleagues, these teachers take many tools and much motivation back to their classrooms.

Thank you for your support of the National Writing Project. If I can provide you with any more information about the National Writing Project and its role in Arizona, please contact me at the address below.

Sincerely,

Moi.

More wisdom from an old book; thanks, Mom

2008-03-03T13:06:00.002-07:00

I wrote,
Hi, Mom,
Just wondering if you could send me citation info for the book you got those great quotes from. I'd like to share them and my scholarly librarian self says Not without a full citation...

Only if it's not too much trouble...
Thanks,
Heather

Mom replied:
They came from a 1927 book printed by the famous Roycrofters Press called The Note Book of Elbert Hubbard. The book is a work of art, but lacks attribution for the quotes -which bothers me a bit too. Many of the words are Hubbard's - but not all of them .... Still - I love that old book.

Here are some more quotes from The Note Book of Elbert Hubbard: (notebook is two words in the title)

"When sympathy finds vent in vengeance and love takes the form of strife, who can say where it will end?"

"A retentive memory may be a good thing, but the ability to forget is the true token of greatness."

And my favorite because this applies to our children and grandchildren as well as friends: "A friend is Nature's masterpiece."

It's always fun to share these things with you.
Love, Mom

Positive Psychology

2008-02-29T16:32:00.003-07:00

By way of word-of-mouth and electronic links, here is something interesting:

You, too, can get a Harvard education.

Psychology 1508: The Psychology of Leadership
Harvard College/GSAS: 7908
Spring 2005-2006
Tal D. Ben-Shahar
How can leaders-in the business sector, politics, or education-create an environment that facilitates growth? Topics include transformational leadership, personal identity, change, ethics, peak experience and peak performance, motivation, and systems thinking.

You can download Dr. Ben-Shahar's lecture videos; see menu on left side of this website: http://isites.harvard.edu/icb/icb.do?keyword=k14803

I imagine a little exploring will lead us to all kinds of interesting topics from this point.

Global Warming: Is the Science Settled Enough for Policy?

2008-02-29T16:22:00.002-07:00

Dr. Stephen Schneider, an expert on global warming, recently gave a talk at the University of Arizona.

I didn’t get to go, but this is something that matters to me, so here’s some more information, courtesy of the press release announcing Dr. Schneider’s appearance, plus some of my hyperlinks.

Dr. Stephen Schneider, a nationally renowned climate change researcher and professor in Environmental Biology and Global Change at Stanford University, founder and editor of the journal - Climatic Change, authored and co-authored over 450 scientific papers, written numerous books on climate change, etc.

In the Fourth Assessment Report of the UN-sponsored Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (which shared the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize), Working Group I states that warming is “unequivocal” and it is “very likely” that human activities are responsible for most of the warming of recent decades. The same report says warming to 2100 is “likely” to be 1.1 -6.4 degrees C. Working Group II says 1.5 2.5 degrees C warming could commit 20-30% of known species to extinction (but only assigns this about a 50% chance). So, what is settled? Some projections are well established, some have competing explanations, yet others are speculative. Thus policy is a risk management judgment, just like most other complex socio-technical systems problems.

There is strong consensus that the increasing numbers of people in the world, demanding higher standards of living, and using cheap, available technologies (e.g. burning coal, and driving gas-consuming large automobiles) will double or triple the carbon dioxide content in the atmosphere by 2100. This implies many potentially serious impacts, though not all are negative. However, the distribution of these impacts is uneven, with most severe effects being experienced in poorer, warmer places, high mountains, polar regions, or in “hurricane alley.” Local, regional, and international actions are already beginning and much more could be done if there were political will to substantially reduce the magnitude of the risks.

Well La De Frickin' Da!

2008-02-29T15:45:00.004-07:00

Chris Farley on Saturday Night: Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker, age 35.

"I live in a van down by the river."

"Young man, what do you want to do with your life?" Matt asks.
Brian says, "Actually, Matt, I kinda want to be a writer."
"Well La De Frickin' Da!" Matt says.

Regarding a Liar

2008-02-29T15:35:00.002-07:00

Here are some quotes my mom sent me from an old book. I'll track down the full citation when I can. In the meantime, for your consideration:

"The punishment of a liar is that he eventually believes his own lies."

"Every life is its own excuse for being, and to deny or refute the untrue things that are said of you is an error of judgment. All wrong recoils upon the doer, and the man who makes wrong statements about others is himself to be pitied, not the man he vilifies. It is better to be lied about than to lie.

"At the last no one can harm us but ourselves."

Tax time

2008-02-22T19:52:00.015-07:00

If I'm going to avoid my work, why not do other essential work... like taxes. Boy, what an ordeal that can be. But all those numbers, all in a row, is sort of satisfying to my organization-oriented mind. Order versus entropy, right? Sigh.

Totally boring and probably not useful to anyone else, but this is my own repository, too, so here it is. Tax information. It was hard to find.

General instructions Forms 1099 and a bunch of other forms in 2007: http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/i1099gi_07.pdf. See page GEN-16, and look for 1099 misc.

The important part for me is the 1099-misc, which is what I need to provide to my subcontractors who earn more than $600.00. (Every time I think of you gals, who rescued me last year when I was facing more surgery, I give a little prayer of thanks.) This makes me feel very official; I am a big enough freelancer to hire subcontractors. Heh heh heh... only it was more of a rescue than being a Big Shot, wasn't it?

Ordering IRS tax forms online (because some of them are posted on the Internet as "Information Only" forms in red ink and they threaten a $50.00 penalty if you submit a non-scannable form. Grr.): http://www.irs.gov/businesses/page/0,,id=23108,00.html

In an attempt to make this post a little bit useful, here is a list of items that can be counted for tax deductions for freelancers. Remember, a portion of your home can be deducted if it is set aside purely for business. So that percentage of mortgage, utilities, etc. count. But I'd better stop with the tax advice and give a big fat disclaimer... I rely on a man who has a Master's Degree in Taxation to back me up. (Can you imagine? That kind of dedication is stupendous.) Anyway, these are the items I keep track of every year. How fun.

Tax Deductible Receipts
Box Rental: PO Box
Box Rental: Safety deposit box
Charity Donations
Home; house cleaning service
Home: insurance
Home: landscaping
Home: maintenance
Home: utilities
Home: Improvements (like my solar and water harvesting efforts this year)
Investment expenses
Medical: doctors
Medical: drugs
Medical: eyes (glasses, contacts, supplies)
Property taxes
Taxes paid (IRS, AZ)
Volunteer, expenses related to
Work: Computer equipment
Work: Conference fees
Work: Contest fees
Work: Office supplies
Work: Postage
Work: Professional dues/subscriptions
Work: Professional insurance
Work: Research costs
Work: Subcontractors
Work: Tax preparation fees
Work: Telephone charges
Work: Travel

Mileage Medical
Mileage Volunteer
Mileage Work
Mileage Tax
Mileage Investment
(MapQuest (http://www.mapquest.com/) is the greatest to help you figure out precise mileage to your doctor, your pharmacy, the place where you had a meeting with your agent, your tax preparer's office, the places where you did volunteer work, etc. Don't forget to note your total mileage for the entire year.)

Now here is my most sincere wish that any taxes I pay are directed to education and social services. I do not want a red cent of my money to go toward this debacle in Iraq. God bless our service men and women, and BRING THEM HOME as soon as possible. Please.

Productivity and other matters

2008-02-22T18:36:00.005-07:00

I've been thinking a little bit about productivity lately... I'm not sure if it's a sign that I'm getting better, or if it's a symptom that needs to be treated.

I've also been Blogsploring, taking a little hyperlink trip around the Blogosphere. I ran into this guy: thedailysaint: Personal productivity with a spiritual twist.

I found him via this little piece on the ideal workday, and I also found Thursday Brom via a piece on setting deadlines. I had to follow up on her because of her name... she reminds me of my favorite Literary Detective, Thursday Next, who came into being thanks to Jasper Fforde, who totally amazes me and makes me laugh... and I feel like I'm part of the In Club when I read his books-- one payoff for being a voracious reader.

It's amazing what I end up finding when I am procrastinating on my own freelance project; now that I'm so physically limited, I can't go out and move rocks in the driveway or dig around in the garden or scrape white scale off the pool tiles or take Q-tips and clean around the moulding all over the house. I'm a little bit disgusted by my internet wanderings, because they keep me on the computer so I don't really feel rested and ready to return for Real Work. But it seems that the only other alternative has been to sleep, curled up with my hot pad. Maybe that's the better choice.

Anyway... off to my real job now. It's been nice to add more completely unuseful crap to the proliferation that exists out there in hyperspace...

Literary Gluttony

2008-02-22T11:15:00.005-07:00

Many thanks to Hope Clark, who distributes a heck of a weekly newsletter called FundsforWriters (read online at: http://www.fundsforwriters.com/FFW.htm). You can find her blog at http://www.hopeclark.blogspot.com.

She shares some wise thougths in the February 10, 2008 newsletter about reading and writing:

"If you do not have the need to read, you don't have the right to write."

"The more you read, the faster you read, the smarter you become and the better you write."

"You cannot be in love with writing without feeling the same about reading. If you can't find time to read, you don't have time to write well."

As a self-professed literary glutton, I am drawn to check this out: Literary Gluttony: How to Consume More Books This Year.
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/literary-gluttony-how-to-consume-more-books-this-year.html

The Feb. 10 Newsletter also provides these links:

20 Outstanding SAT Essays:
http://www.nwp.org/cs/public/print/resource/2480

SAT Question of the Day: vocabulary, math and comprehension questions:
http://apps.collegeboard.com/qotd/question.do

I may or may not have more commentary on this later; maybe we don't want to get me started on reading and writing. I'll never shut up/stop typing. I have work to do, and rest to take, because...

I GET TO SEE THE KIDS THIS WEEKEND! It will only have been 29 days since the last time...

(and there was great rejoicing...)

Pleonexia and Happiness

2008-02-20T19:16:00.023-07:00

Another grab from No Impact Man: Sustainable consumption's "double dividend"

Colin Beavan says:

One method of making consumption sustainable is to modify material and product production, distribution, use and disposal methods so that the consumption is less damaging. Another method, and the one that I often write about, has to do with just reducing consumption.

I like this approach because no new technology is required. It is simply a matter of habit change. And I like it because I don't believe the two-job, credit card debt up to our necks, don't have time for our friends and families approach to life makes us happy.

He references a 2005 paper by Professor Tim Jackson of the University of Surrey: "Live Better by Consuming Less?," Professor Jackson claims that there is a "double-dividend" to reduced consumption. One, it helps maintain our health, happiness and security as it depends on our planetary habitat. Two, there may be an increase in happiness when there is less emphasis on accumulating stuff. Please see No Impact Man for an extended quote from the paper and a PDF link to it; I haven't yet learned how to link to PDFs and he already did the work, and I'd like to woo you all toward this great blog anyway.

I learned a new word:

Pleonexia, the insatiable desire for more, was regarded in Aristotle's day as a human failing, an obstacle to achieving the 'good life.'

Reading the comments can be very educational as well. For example, Diane Gandee Sorbi references a recent 60 Minutes show that featured a study that has shown that Denmark has the most happy people. The U.S. ranks 23rd on that list. In Denmark, there is a low rate of violence, and less wealth disparity. Danes work an average of 37 hours per week, and take 6 weeks vacation a year. Diane says, "Some of the people interviewed believe they are simply more content with life because they understand that once you have what you need, more doesn't equal better. They think that success is defined by our relationships with the people we care about, and that it is more important to do what you love even if you make less money. It seems to me there is a lot we could learn in this country from the Danes."

There must be some kind of message from the universe telling me to go to Denmark, or something. I keep hearing or thinking about Denmark in one context or another; in my answers to that Book Questionaire I claimed that I wanted to learn Danish. Maybe my subconscious is on to something.

Anyway, a little research has led me to the above referenced story on 60 minutes and the scientific survey of international happiness carried out by Leicester University in England, entitled 'A Global Projection of Subjective Well-being: A Challenge to Positive Psychology?'

(CBS) Happiness is that quirky, elusive emotion that the Declaration of Independence maintains we have every right to pursue. And we do pursue it: we are suckers for an endless stream of self-help books that promise a carefree existence for a mere $24.95; and television hucksters of every kind claim they have the key to Nirvana. So the happiness business, at least, is one big smiley face.

Hmmm. What are your thoughts on happiness, whether or not they involve consumption? I'm going to ponder that.

I've been told there is a total lunar eclipse tonight but for once Tucson has total cloud cover so I can't see it. If my kids were here, we would be outside looking for it... It makes me happy to think of other events that have caused us to go outside together to look skyward, and it makes me very, very sad to think about how I can't even count how many days it has been since I've seen them. It's been several days since I've even spoken to them on the phone.

I suppose much of my personal happiness involves my children. Or more specifically, my personal unhappiness currently involves my children. Being a mother who really, really wanted those little guys, it is heartbreaking to be without them. That's the most prominent cause of my grief and rage about my health condition, and it sometimes distracts me from the rest. However, sometimes I stay awake at night recalling the days of teaching SCUBA lessons, rock climbing, flying small aircraft, sailing, hiking, horseback riding, skiing on snow or water, and all of the other physically active things I used to do.

I think illness and disability can be an enormous challenge to achieving happiness, but there are lessons in these experiences that may lead me to serenity and happiness in the future. That's a topic for another post... Hasn't this one wandered enough?

Peace.

Political Action to Save the National Writing Project

2008-02-20T11:12:00.006-07:00

Here's an opportunity for action in WHICHEVER state you live:

With apologies to the National Writing Project for taking their entire bulletin in its entirity (with some added emphasis of my own and redaction of individuals' contact information), I'm posting an opportunity to take action to save another cause dear to my heart (and my employment, for full disclosure). Thanks to Erec Toso for this heads-up. You don't have to be associated with the Southern Arizona Writing Project or the National Writing Project to have a say in this VERY important issue.

By the way, the guidelines listed below for how to communicate with your senators are valuable in any context.

The link to Tips for Writing to Your Legislators About NWP are also more broadly applicable for any attempt to influence our representatives to DO THE RIGHT THING.
________________________________________________________________
[February 19, 2007]
- NWP Site Bulletin -

Dear NWP Site Leaders:

We are asking you and your teacher-leaders to contact your senators immediately and request that they sign the 2008 Senate Dear Colleague letter. Because the administration has proposed zero funding for the National Writing Project, it is very important that all of us work closely with our congressional offices to explain the importance of the NWP.

Last week a Dear Colleague letter was sent to every member of the Senate, circulated by Senators Rockefeller (D-WV), Snowe (R-ME), and Bingaman (D-NM). Colleagues are invited to add their signatures to the letter in support of a $30 million appropriation for the National Writing Project. Senators Max Baucus (D-MT), Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ), Patrick Leahy (D-VT), and Blanche Lincoln (D-AR) have already signed the letter. (A similar letter will be forthcoming on the House side; we will alert you right away.)

HOW YOUR SENATOR CAN SIGN THE DEAR COLLEAGUE LETTER

Your senator can sign the Dear Colleague letter by contacting Barbara Pryor with Senator Rockefeller’s office at 224-2578, Matthew Hussey with Senator Snowe’s office at 224-5344, or Michael Yudin with Senator Bingaman’s office at 224-5521. ONLY SENATORS OR THEIR AIDES, NOT NWP SITE LEADERS, SHOULD CONTACT BARBARA, MATTHEW, OR MICHAEL.

GUIDE FOR MAKING CALLS AND SENDING EMAILS TO YOUR LEGISLATORS

NWP’s Web page (on NWPi), “Supporting the NWP,” includes a copy of the 2008 Senate Dear Colleague letter and supporting materials. Please note that page seven of the Advocacy Toolkit [See below for these Talking Points] provides the most up-to-date information on NWP’s impact, which can be used to guide your communications with policymakers.

1. Go to http://www.nwp.org

2. Log in to NWP Interactive (NWPi) in the right column of the page underneath NWP’s interactive map. (Note: You must have an NWPi account, which is free and open to anyone interested in joining.)

3. Click on “Supporting the NWP” in the middle of the page to find the information you need.

4. Call your legislators’ Washington, D.C. offices. You can find contact information for your senator by entering your zip code on the following website: http://www.senate.gov.

5. Ask to speak to your senator’s education aide. Ask your legislator to support the NWP by signing the Dear Colleague letter. If your senator or the aide has not seen the letter, you may fax a copy to the office.

FOLLOW UP WITH YOUR SENATOR

Don’t forget to follow up and be persistent. You are a constituent; your senator wants to hear about the issues that are important to you!

Please let us know when you make your calls and tell us what response you get. We will keep you up to date as legislators sign the letter.

We are proud that our program has bipartisan support and we want to thank you in advance for all of the great work that you do for this effort.
______________________________________________________________________________

In 2006 and 2007, Arizona Senators did not sign the letter of support.
In 2006, Representative Raul Grijalva (D-AZ) signed the letter of support, and in 2007, Representative Rick Renzi (R-AZ) signed the letter of support.

United States Senate: http://www.senate.gov/
United States House of Representatives: http://www.house.gov/

Tips for Writing to Your Legislators About NWP
http://www.nwp.org/cs/public/print/resource/2455

_______________________________________________
Excerpt: Page 7 of Advocacy Toolkit:

Talking Points – January 2008

The following points can be used to guide your communications with policymakers.

NWP helps teachers teach writing.

-NWP develops and supports highly skilled teachers through its nationally recognized professional development programs, which take place at nearly 200 local writing project sites in 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

-NWP seeks an appropriation of $30 million to continue to expand its network so that there will be a writing project site within reach of every teacher in America.

-The NWP appropriation supports new, innovative programs to help teachers use technology for high-level student learning, to advance literacy across content areas, and to serve teachers of English language learners.

NWP uses writing to improve student performance and motivation.

-NWP teachers focus on writing and reading skills that ensure student success in college and in the 21st-century workplace.

-NWP teachers come from all disciplines and grade levels, ensuring that students build their writing skills throughout the school day and over the years.

-NWP teachers use writing to help students learn and to engage and motivate them so that school is a positive, meaningful experience.

NWP serves significant numbers of teachers, with positive results for students.

-NWP teacher-consultants conducted over 7,000 local programs, serving more than 132,000 educators who worked with 7.5 million students in 2006–07. Independent evaluation shows that student writing improves in the classrooms of writing project teachers.

NWP leverages local investment.

-NWP provides the capacity—the people, skills, and knowledge—that makes local improvement efforts possible. In 2006–07, NWP sites raised $22 million in local funds.

(Source: Washington Partners, LLC, 1101 Vermont Ave., Suite 400, NW, Washington, DC 20005)

Harkening back to the purpose of this blog...

2008-02-20T10:11:00.026-07:00

No Impact Man very nicely captures one of my biggest gripes about The Way the World Works-- we are so darn wasteful!!!! Read his post, The Bottom-Line Problem with Sustainability? and add your two cents.

He references Heather Rogers' book, Gone Tommorrow: The Hidden Life of Garbage. She says that 80 percent of products sold in the United States are designed to be used once and then thrown away. It's that planned obsolescence thing that I get so riled up about.

He also references the cradle to cradle paradigm, which I dig... See why I like this guy? Good role model, articulate, reaches lots of people with a message we all need to hear and act upon...

Speaking of which, here's an opportunity for us to help take action in our state to support sustainability (thanks to my role models and the builders of MY sustainable home systems, Technicians for Sustainability for the heads-up).

HB 2766 includes measures to simplify the permitting process for solar electric and solar thermal systems, encourage energy efficient construction, set guidelines for schools to procure a guaranteed energy cost savings contract, encourage alternative fuels in school vehicles and reduce bus idling, encourage the use of renewable energy sources by utility companies, mandate that school districts reduce energy use by 2020, adopting the international energy conservation code as the voluntary state energy code, and implement a study on reducing the life cycle greenhouse gas emissions from motor fuels sold in Arizona. You can find details at http://www.azleg.state.az.us/DocumentsForBill.asp?Bill_Number=HB2766

HB 2614 is proposing to extend the current sunset date [get it?] of a bill that provides for a reduction in the value of the solar system for property tax calculation purposes. You can find details at http://www.azleg.state.az.us/DocumentsForBill.asp?Bill_Number=HB2614

Lemme do some of the research for you, to make it easier to write or call your representative:

Here is the Arizona State Senate Roster: http://www.azleg.gov/MemberRoster.asp?Body=S&SortBy=2

Here is the Arizona Congressional District Map to help you find YOUR representative and district: http://www.govtrack.us/congress/findyourreps.xpd?state=AZ (I like this website-- it's pretty informative and user-friendly. I also like the creator's disclaimer: This website is just a pet project of a regular joe. Read more about GovTrack.us to check it out for yourself.)

Here is a more "official" source for a map of Arizona's Legislative Districts, from the gov'ment: http://www.azleg.state.az.us/maps/state.htm

If you write a letter or make a call about these issues, would you let me know? Maybe post the text or a synopsis in my comments section, or email it to me so I can post it here? (I'll show you mine if you show me yours...) It would be nice to see if the ripple effect is indeed rippling.

Remembering 9/11

2008-02-19T21:03:00.008-07:00

It may seem like an odd date to commemorate the tragedy, but I know people who live daily with the consequences of their direct exposure to the horrific events of that day. For example, this teacher friend of mine suffers health problems and who knows what other traumatic memories from her experience, escaping from right under the towers with her students.

I received an email about some wackos in Europe who want to take the Haulocaust out of history books to avoid offending Muslims. I have no idea of the veracity of this rumor, but the very idea is upsetting. The idea that these horrific events of history can be glossed over so easily is abhorrant. So today's mention of one of our nation's tragedies is my effort to combat this. I won't begin to go into my opinions about the actions our "leaders" have taken subsequent to 9/11... let's just leave it at this for now. Go read the account I've linked to instead.

Like Dope, But Different

2008-02-18T18:35:00.000-07:00

Oh my...

Like Hope, But Different

2008-02-18T18:18:00.003-07:00

I haven't been delving into the political rhetoric much lately, in my media fast, but sometimes I put my head up and check out the scene. I do vote, after all, so I'd damn well better. Bill Maher and Blogs are my main sources of info; castigate me if you have to. I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances.

Check out Heather's post: Like Hope, But Different. Because there ARE people who are artfully going about this political race as if-- strike that-- because our lives depend on it.

Word Like Arrows, Indeed.

2008-02-18T17:36:00.003-07:00

I have a handy stack of bookmarks of all kinds in each room where there are books in my house. I must have grabbed this one off the top of a pile and stuck it in my book du jour, knowing I'd need it later. I didn't read the bookmark until today, and now I'd like to share it with you here.

This is from University of Arizona Arts Reach Educational Writing Program. The Project was called Words Like Arrows, and was associated with the Arizona State Museum at the University of Arizona. The following poem was printed in When the Rain Sings, Simon and Schuster, 1999.

Divorce

I was sad
as a typhoon coming
closer and closer.
I didn't
have a heart
to hold onto.
It sounded like
too much peace and quiet.
It tasted like
a hot mint in my mouth.
It looked like
lightening beside me
when my mom and dad
got divorced.

--Davina Valencia (Yaqui)
Grade 4 Age 10
Lawrence Elementary School
Tucson, Arizona

Copyright 1999. All rights reserved by the artist.
(I hope I'm not infringing on those rights by posting this here, but the effect of this enormous little poem on me has been astounding.)

This is the reason we started writing on cave walls, the reason behind the graffitti, the reason why Writer's Market is such an outstanding sales success, the reason blogging has proliferated. We have important messages to share.

A long slim piece of cardstock can carry words like arrows straight to our hearts and/or that place within us that is stirred to emotion and action and awe and grief. We must keep writing. We must write in any medium possible. We never know how far our words must travel to have their impact on one particular person at one particular time in her life when the words are most needed, somehow, even if they cause so much pain that person sinks to her knees to kneel on the floor in silent but keening grief and resolve to do more, to do better, to do whatever it takes to right the wrongs we perpetrate upon the children of our planet.

Everyone Says I Love You

2008-02-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

Sigh...

More from Horsefeathers.

PS: I Always Get My Man

2008-02-17T16:56:00.002-07:00

By the way, the second song in the video referenced in the previous post is appropriate for my situation. Shall I dance about the court room and sing this song before our judge? Or just use it to bolster my confidence and maybe even learn to not take this whole mess so seriously?

I'm Against It

2008-02-17T16:41:00.005-07:00

Stealing from Agathon again... y'all are probably catching on by now to my limited exposure to the world out there, but his blog, Scenes From a Broken Hand, sends me off in so many strange and wonderful directions that it's a good door to open when I venture out. In that spirit, I'm stealing this excerpt from the 1932 film Horsefeathers. As for good ol' Groucho, I like his position, but I wouldn't mind seeing the others.

Then check out this 10th grader's video:

Technology and Books

2008-02-17T14:45:00.006-07:00

This was the very first thing I EVER watched on YouTube, which was another one of those techie weird things that other people talked about but that I thought was just another way for people to spend time that I certainly didn't have for things like that. Funny what happens when you get too sick to work and your kids are taken away and you find yourself habitually spending hours on the same pasttimes you looked upon with, if not disdain, then some amount of fear. It's true I'm a web designer and one of my job titles is actually Technology Liaison, but I'm pretty much a Luddite. I get dragged into things like email and YouTube and Blogging pretty late. There's a more current and more accurate term for that: late adapter. [editor's note: Oops, I meant ADOPTER, per the technology adoption lifecycle, and if I'm precise about my place on that bell curve, I guess I'm not quite a Laggard, but definitely not on the front line. But maybe that's changing. And yes, I'm citing Wikipedia because this is a casual forum so we all must be left to our own devices if we follow links to learn more about what we're reading, no? I trust that my readers have opportunities to practice their critical thinking skills, and that I shouldn't have to go on this unexpected rant about disclaimers, etc. Who knows where that came from. And how about my little slip--late adapter? Hmmm...]

Anyway, here it is, the video that made me say, Hmmm. What exactly IS this YouTube thing? You can see why I would enjoy it so much. It's particularly cool that the creators are Norwegian... this is one reason why I cited Danish as the language I would most like to acquire for reading. The Danish language has a huge influence on Norwegian, so there you go. This would be even funnier if we understood the original language.

Some Bookish Answers

2008-02-17T14:22:00.011-07:00

Yeah, yeah, I knew it wouldn't be long before I was called on to contribute. Here they are, my tired efforts at answering the questions.

Which [type of] book do you irrationally cringe away from reading, despite seeing only positive reviews?

Having to choose carefully and wisely how to use my time and energy, I'm more apt to read books than reviews. That said, I've had people recommend books to me that I've cringed away from. Maybe self-help or religious tracts... but is that always irrational? Not to say that I haven't read some very enlightening life improving books, and C.S. Lewis' writings on faith are among the best justifications for belief I've ever read.

If you could bring three [fictional] characters to life for a social event (afternoon tea, a night of clubbing, perhaps a world cruise), who would they be and what would the event be?

That depends entirely on my needs at the present time. Today I would like to have a seaside visit with Hemingway's Old Man from the eponymous novel, to help me "not to think, but to endure." Charlotte from Charlotte's Web, because I could use her patient wisdom and some good words to proclaim that I'm "some pig..."??? Well, maybe not that... And Inigo Montoya from William Goldman's The Princess Bride, one of the best books ever and later one of the best movies ever (I wanna be William Goldman when I grow up). Anyway, Inigo for his audacity and persistence and his "overdeveloped sense of vengeance," which paid off in the end. And then he cheerfully moved on. I wouldn't mind having The Man in Black and Fezzig on my legal defense team, either...

You are told you can’t die until you read the most boring novel on the planet. While this immortality is great for awhile, eventually you realise it’s past time to die. Which book would you expect to get you a nice grave?

Been too close to that lately to want to get back there, thank you very much. Pass.

Come on, we’ve all been there. Which book have you pretended, or at least hinted, that you’ve read, when in fact you’ve been nowhere near it?

I find it a little odd that the question is prefaced with, "Come on, we've all been there." I see no need to pretend to have read something I haven't, and I doubt very much that any of my friends do that, either. Maybe when you hang out with a bunch of bookies, there's no need to pretend, just opportunities to get shoved in the direction of a book or two you might not have otherwise read. Besides, come off it, any of us who lied about this would instantly be exposed as frauds in any conversation about books. Not having read a book is no cause for shame, but lying about it might be. I'll make a nomination for the Book Least Likely to Have Been Read, but Most Often Quoted: The BIBLE. And no, I haven't read the whole thing, either. But I don't shove its teachings down people's throats, either. Grrr...

As an addition to the last question, has there been a book that you really thought you had read, only to realise when you read a review about it/go to ‘reread’ it that you haven’t? Which book?

I read so much that I forget most of what I read. The more likely scenario is that I'll see a book in a bookstore, HAVE TO HAVE IT, then come home to find a copy of it on my bookcase. Doh...

You’ve been appointed Book Advisor to a VIP (who’s not a big reader). What’s the first book you’d recommend and why? (if you feel like you’d have to know the person, go ahead of [sic] personalise the VIP.

Whoa... too close to actual work in social justice for my current state of being... Pass for now, except for this suggestion: How about locking said VIP in a well-appointed library for a day without palm pilot or computer or cell phone or appointment book? With quiet, discreet librarians and leather couches and some not so discreet bouncers who would prod the VIP out of sleep if he or she used the couches to snooze for TOO long instead of reading... Or maybe one of those delightful storytime librarians so he or she could be read to. That would sooth the most savage heart, doncha think? A good rendering of Where the Wild Things Are might be a place to start.

A good fairy comes and grants you one wish: you will have perfect reading comprehension in the foreign language of your choice. Which language do you go with?

Danish. Evidently those Danes have a pretty good sense of humor, and I would imagine that humor is the HARDEST thing to translate. (C'mon, some of these questions are kind of stupid, because if we wanted to gain foreign language competence, it wouldn't take a fairy to give it to us. We could do it ourselves. In fact, I think I'll pick up Como Agua para Chocolate and see how much further I can get to improve my Spanish literacy.)

A mischievous fairy comes and says that you must choose one book that you will reread once a year for the rest of your life (you can read other books as well). Which book would you pick?

What's with the damn fairies? Don't all of us have some dogeared books on our shelves, perhaps near our beds, that we revisit often, even to take them out and flip open the pages for reassurance, "Ah, yes. You're still there." Tolkien's Lord of the Rings series. Narnia. Madeleine L'Engle's young adult novels, particularly the Wrinkle in Time series. Milan Kundera, Thomas Moore, Garrison Keillor's compilation of Good Poems, Joseph Heller's Catch-22 (this could be on my list for the VIP to read), Philip Roth, Isabel Allende...

Ohp, I found it. The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. That's THE ONE BOOK. This also helps me with the question about other languages, because I collect that book in every translation I can find, wherever I travel.

I know that the book blogging community, and its various challenges, have pushed my reading borders. What’s one bookish thing you ‘discovered’ from book blogging (maybe a new genre, or author, or new appreciation for cover art-anything)?

As I've said before, I NEVER thought I would play the blogging game. Now it's my main "hobby," if you will... eventually to be replaced with the old ones like hiking and gardening or say, being a MOM... but when I run into blogs like Another Kick Butt Librarian, I have to admit that this new genre "kicks butt." Or when I trace the thread that brought this list of questions to our humble blogs, I see that there are tough, smart, Southern, gun-lovin' women out there who share some of the same reading tastes that I do. In the interests of full disclosure, I have to admit that I know my way around a firearm and am not a bad shot. It's like the admirable practice of some of my liberal-leaning or centrist friends who read and listen to right wing conservative media, just to know what we have to contend with. Familiarity is the best antidote to fear.

That good fairy is back for one final visit. Now, she’s granting you your dream library! Describe it. Is everything leatherbound? Is it full of first edition hardcovers? Pristine trade paperbacks? Perhaps a few favourite authors have inscribed their works? Go ahead-let your imagination run free.

I've been building it since I first started putting Go, Dog, Go and Are You My Mother on the shelves in MY room. If there are any helpful fairies out there, I have other dire needs I could use some help with right now. Here's one caveat, or concession to the intent of the question: my library has to be full of books that can actually be READ. So the collectible first editions can go in some section of my house called Artwork or something. The library has to be user-friendly, non-intimidating, safe and cozy.

Okay, that wasn't so bad. I need a nap now. Here's a question to add to the list: Which book is the one most likely to cure insomnia, or the one you select to lead into a comfortable nap? Right now I'm reaching for Thoreau's Walden, and turning to the section where he adds up all the figures for how much money he has spent on building his little retreat. I know that if I wander too far into the pages, I'll get all intrigued and wakeful again, but there it is. A Sand County Almanac works, too. See, the trick is finding a book that is deep and complex and important enough to own and read, but that has soporific qualities on a warm sunny afternoon when you're sleepy anyway. It's not something you roll your eyes at, or "cringe" at, or call upon to kill you if you're sick of immortality, but its language is rhythmic and its topics are so detailed and its ideas are so big that you can only take small doses. This is the kind of book that leads to good dreams and if you get caught napping with this book on your chest or beside your head, you look cool. Even if you're drooling on the pages.

Some Bookish Questions

2008-02-16T12:21:00.005-07:00

Some questions for my bookish fellows:
Agathon's response to someone else, who got the questions from someone else, who says that the reason we have houses is to keep our books. Amen to that.

Which [type of] book do you irrationally cringe away from reading, despite seeing only positive reviews?

If you could bring three [fictional] characters to life for a social event (afternoon tea, a night of clubbing, perhaps a world cruise), who would they be and what would the event be?

You are told you can’t die until you read the most boring novel on the planet. While this immortality is great for awhile, eventually you realise it’s past time to die. Which book would you expect to get you a nice grave?

Come on, we’ve all been there. Which book have you pretended, or at least hinted, that you’ve read, when in fact you’ve been nowhere near it?

As an addition to the last question, has there been a book that you really thought you had read, only to realise when you read a review about it/go to ‘reread’ it that you haven’t? Which book?

You’ve been appointed Book Advisor to a VIP (who’s not a big reader). What’s the first book you’d recommend and why? (if you feel like you’d have to know the person, go ahead of [sic] personalise the VIP.

A good fairy comes and grants you one wish: you will have perfect reading comprehension in the foreign language of your choice. Which language do you go with?

A mischievous fairy comes and says that you must choose one book that you will reread once a year for the rest of your life (you can read other books as well). Which book would you pick?

I know that the book blogging community, and its various challenges, have pushed my reading borders. What’s one bookish thing you ‘discovered’ from book blogging (maybe a new genre, or author, or new appreciation for cover art-anything)?

That good fairy is back for one final visit. Now, she’s granting you your dream library! Describe it. Is everything leatherbound? Is it full of first edition hardcovers? Pristine trade paperbacks? Perhaps a few favourite authors have inscribed their works? Go ahead-let your imagination run free.

Boys to Men

2008-02-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

Agathon reacts to this article with several points, but this paragraph is the one that sticks with me:

The Wife and I are certainly not any kind of 1950s throwback, but in some ways, we parent in fairly traditional ways. And it's obvious to see, as I watch my sons respond to me and to her, that they would not be as happy or as healthy or as balanced with only one of us on the scene. And it's not just because two provides more balance than one. I don't believe that "any two people" is equivalent to "mom and dad." They are distinctly different and complentary energies, and they're both needed. If the two people on hand provide those two distinct energies and points of view, regardless of gender, then okay.

This makes me sad as I survey my own parenting situation. I wonder what kind of men my boys will turn out to be, given their chaotic upbringing. I don't have much hope that the chaos will settle down anytime soon, because their father is suing me for legal and physical custody-- and he wants to move to Phoenix with them in May when my oldest boy finishes his kindergarten school year.

I must find enough energy, emotional strength and money to fight this completely unnecessary battle, and I resent the hell out of that because I'm supposed to be directing all of my energy toward healing. It has only been six or seven weeks since I was working overtime in a rehabilitation hospital to graduate from wheelchair to walker to cane.

I had to learn to walk again. Now I can. That calls for some celebration. Instead, I weep every day with rage and guilt and longing because my boys' father chooses to keep them from visiting me, takes them away from our mutually established child care situation to something unknown to me. I don't know where they spend their days or with whom they spend their nights when The Ex is out working his new territory in Phoenix several nights a week because he won't permit me to speak with his nanny.

When I suggested that the nanny and the boys come to stay at my house for those nights, I guess it smacked of too much reason because he began to insult me and then answered my daily calls with text messages.

A lawyer might advise me not to write about this on my blog, because it may in some way jeopardize my case. But I can't keep it out of here because I've learned that this is the main source of information about my life for my friends.

I've made choices that I believe are best for my children. The fact that they are in the care of their father and his vast support network ought to be reassuring. I should be able to rest easily knowing that they are in good hands while I recover my life and ability to care for them myself. I ought to be able to see them on a regular basis, even for short periods of time.

The cited reasons for not allowing the boys to visit me in hospital or rehab were somewhat valid; those are scary places. But they are a firm reality in our lives, and my boys might ultimately understand what is happening to them if they could see it for themselves.

Maybe that will make them grow up too fast. Maybe some of my friends are correct when they admonish me for being too strict with them. However, I need them to come to me when I call them at the baseball park so that they won't be stolen. I can't run to catch them before they climb over the railing of the balcony. Yes, they have to pull more weight around my house than the average kids of 4 and 6. I can't pick them up when they fall or are in despair or rage and need to be held. They have to come to me and climb into my arms for that maternal comfort.

It's sad, but true. I am a single mother who is very sick, and when my kids are with me, sometimes they are called upon to be little grownups. But they also play outside and read books and draw pictures and make forts and beat each other on the head until they figure out a way to work out disputes. They get to watch an occasional video. They have to make due with the plentitude of old toys instead of getting a new Transformer every other day.

Perhaps there is a case for The Ex to have them. He's healthy. He's their FATHER. He is essential to them. But he's gone a lot. He relies on a number of other people to care for the children. When I call them the tv is on all the time; the other night Big One said, "I'm watching a movie and you're uh, disturbing it." Then he put down the phone. Other conversations reveal details about the newest cool toy from Walmart that Daddy got for them. Little One said his nanny is "nice and mean." He said last week, "When I say mean things I get soap in my mouth and I go to my room." This is the style of parenting that my "wasband" once referred to as Old School.

I hate this situation. It is great, soul-hollowing dismay that I take with my medicines every day, the bitterest pill. My boys need their MOTHER, in whatever shape she is in, because she too is ESSENTIAL. Perhaps a real man would understand that.

Always Look on The Bright Side of Life

2008-02-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

Monty Python: That's something to be grateful for.

Forget all our troubles, forget all our cares...

2008-02-07T01:33:00.000-07:00

Wow. What a phenomenon, YouTube. Incredible.

Petula performs Downtown on Top Of The Pops, 1964

Lawrence Welk

2008-02-07T01:07:00.000-07:00

Here's a response to A's post. I used to watch this show with my Grandma while I lived with her, so I can't help but feel nostalgia. But I'll tell you what: I never saw THIS episode.

Then there's this; it's really too painful to watch the whole thing:

But this will make you feel better:

How Can I Keep From Singing?

2008-02-01T14:55:00.001-07:00

Solace comes from music.

How Can I Keep From Singing?

My life goes on in endless song
Above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear its music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble in their fear
And hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?

In prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging,
When friends by shame are undefiled
How can I keep from singing?

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

--Robert Lowry, 1860.

The rendition that get me most, so far, is done by Martin Sheen in his singing debut on A Prairie Home Companion. You have to scroll forward to 15:29 on your player unless you just want to listen to the rest of the segment and Martin Sheen's introduction, which is no chore.

Here's Enya's take:

Holistic Healing Retreat? Any referrals?

2008-01-28T23:52:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from an email to my life-sustaining friend... I decided to post it here in case anyone can make referrals...

The antibiotic I am taking seems to have caused a fungal infection. My body is so out of balance that any change sends one or another of my systems crashing. This happens every time. I guess I should be glad it's not C Diff again... But I have to be on my guard for those symptoms so I can run to my doctor for early intervention. Having had it, I'm extremely susceptible to it. They said that about giardia, too... I wonder if my early travels into the wilds and the intestinal price I paid has any connection.

I am under so much stress that I wonder if years of my life are being taken away. I hate that thought. I want to live comfortably to an old age. I'm aiming for 106. Why not?

I watched a documentary film called It Was a Wonderful Life, about middle-class women who ended up homeless, sometimes living in cars with their children. I cried and cried as Jodie Foster narrated the sad account of the lives of several women. Many of them fell into misfortune after divorce and abandonment by their husbands. For various reasons, they could not prevail in court or elsewhere in a system designed to make fathers pay child support. One man in a suit described how some men will spend $20,000.00 to avoid paying $10,000.00 in support (that may be an incorrect quote--but you get my drift). Boy, does that sound familiar to me right now.

I think I need to go on some kind of holistic medical retreat where I can be fed on a diet that will build up my immunity and create floral balance in my guts and the rest of my body, where I can really REST, where I can have intensive psychological counseling and twice-daily body work sessions and cleanse my body in clear healing waters. I want to get away and have that kind of healing experience to help me recover from the latest medical interventions and legal stressors and all the rest of the problems that have been piling up on my over the last few years.

Do you think there is such a place? I want an individualized program and extreme luxury. What a dream. Think Blue Cross Blue Shield would pay for that? Good food, physical therapy, counseling, body work, meditation, yoga, hot springs, linen sheets, lavender eye covers, aromatherapy, no phones, no bother from the outside world... just me and my healing experience. If I could, I'd create it at home, but I can't seem to escape the pressures of my existence.

I'm beginning to think that I should post this on my blog. Maybe someone out there knows of some such place.

Can't a girl get a break?

2008-01-27T01:13:00.000-07:00

I got to see my kids tonight for a while... nice.

As he dropped them off for their two-hour visit, The Ex announced, "We're moving to Phoenix." Not so nice.

Today a process server rang my doorbell and handed me The Ex's petition to the court. The Ex is demanding full legal and physical custody of our kids, so that he can move to Phoenix. He chose to relocate rather than get laid off and take a severance package. Work in his new territory starts Monday. He will move in May when Big'Un finishes kindergarten. This is what he says, with the arrogance of someone who is convinced that THIS IS WHAT IS SO.

He couldn't have told me this a month ago, when he found out about the change in the work situation? We couldn't figure out a solution in mediation?

"It's not mediatable," he said. "I'm working out my life and this is how it's going to be."

"I'm glad your life is working out," I said. I chose not to say, when he said he was going to get the judge to let him move to a different city with my kids, "Good luck with that."

So--instead of talking to me about this, he just slapped down a retainer with a new attorney who will drag me into another legal battle, as if an 11-month-long and despicably expensive divorce process wasn't enough. I guess he didn't learn much when I swept the board at the settlement hearing the day before the scheduled trial.

So now I have to come up with a retainer for an attorney, and interview a few recommended to me by a friend in the Biz. Then the battle begins. Never mind my recovery process, which, I suspect, will be severely curtailed by this added stress and the hours of painstaking legal defense that lie ahead.

My lawyer friend cautioned me against representing myself "in proper person;" given my fragile constitution, I need a reputable lawyer with good character and good knowledge of the law to defend me. We have a no-nonsense judge, but I'll still need a lawyer. My divorce lawyer told me, at the end of our time together, that I would be fine representing myself WHEN the next legal skirmish occurred, but that was before I got so sick.

I asked for an update on how the boys have been doing at school, at daycare, with their birthday pediatrician appointments and immunizations, etc.

He never took them to the doctor in September and October, for their respective birthdays. He'll get to it, he says. And about daycare... Little'Un has been withdrawn from the daycare center that I pay for, and he will be with a nanny. Thanks for telling me, I carefully do not say aloud.

Perfect, I say, recalling how he REFUSED to let a nanny take care of the kids after he left, though we had help while we were married. How 'bout if she comes HERE so I can spend time with the kids with her help?

"I'll ask her," he shrugged, arms crossed across his chest. "But I won't encourage it."

"Why? It would provide some nice consistency for the kids," I said, and left out all the other benefits to this broken family.

"The only consistency these kids have in their lives is me," he said, and walked off to his car. I closed the door V E R Y quietly instead of slamming it off its hinges.

A few weeks ago I was served by mail with the Ex's suit to recover child support he is still paying. I filled out the requisite forms, had them notarized and sent them by certified mail. The next day I received a statement of his arrears from the months he paid NO child support. The state cheerfully assured me that I get any amount of his tax return that helps bring him up to date in one big chunk.

My life is all about filling out forms for legal challenges and application for disability. And doctor's appointments. And soon, outpatient physical therapy. And trying to survive this LUDICROUS series of events that slams me down each time I begin to stand up.

A friend who overheard our exchange from another room, then read the list of horrible claims The Ex makes about my incompetence as a mother in his sworn affidavit, told me that there is a place in hell for people like this.

So... I take on Entropy and Entropy ALWAYS wins.

Home Again: Take Two

2008-01-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

Last home visit didn't last, either. So no more big pronouncements; I happen to be in my house right now after spending a night here by myself, but let's leave it at that. I am learning that this time of transition is full of flux. I don't want to say that I'm taking steps backwards, because that's demoralizing and I find that each time I retreat, the progress of my next advance is enormously improved.

Gotta link to this from Agathon, a link and a missive about The Arts.

I'm in bed, ill with yet another opportunistic infection, letting the antibiotics do their work. Maybe I'll write more later.

Home AGAIN

2008-01-18T05:42:00.000-07:00

Turns out after one night at home alone, I couldn't do it. I went to stay with a friend who took great care of me; feeding, trips to docs and pharmacies and labs, help with bathing if only to stand by in case I fell. Lots of opportunity to sleep without looking around my messy house or the In-box in my office and either trying to tackle it or just stewing in my anxiety about it.

Once I could prepare a little meal by myself, and do a couple loads of laundry, I figured I was ready to get back to my abode. So here I am, in my own bed. It's nice.

I'm grateful to have refuge elsewhere, though. This house needs so much attention, and the piles keep growing in the office: bills to pay, disability questionaires, potential freelance projects, tax preparation documents, and the rest. The oranges need to be harvested. The yard needs attention but I can't allow myself to go out there or I'll try to do something about all the problems that will present themselves if I look around.

I'm thinking of going back to my pain specialist. There has to be a way through this; if I can't be compliant with my therapies because of pain, that can't be good.

So, I'm home. This is a big step, and I shouldn't obscure my celebration by listing all the things I CAN'T do while I'm here. It is what it is. Entropy is winning right now, but just wait until I get back to my old self. Or some new and improved version of my old self. Or a brand new self that has not much to do with the old self. Whatever.

Today I decided to lie in my bed, perfectly still, for hours. I didn’t really sleep, but my mind wandered in the same way it did when I was in the hospital. I think pain can do that. The sun slowly makes its way across the sky and changes the quality of light into my bedroom from bright and green from the citrus tree to golden, then pinkish, then it fades to dark. The quail come to roost and coo and rustle in the branches and I lie there, motionless, existing.

I couldn’t reach the phone; the one time I made an effort, I was greeted by a computer. “Attention!!! All Visa and MasterCard--” Click. And toss. Phone now on the floor in the library. It rings, I let it ring. I just lie there embracing my big body pillow, and sink into inertia.

But... I am HOME. Alone. That must be recognized as a Big Step. I tell myself that over and over. It's hard to conceptualize how much work my frail, skinny body is doing as I just lie in bed, in too much pain to move.

So, happy happy joy joy.

For Dr. W: Diagnoses and Procedures

2008-01-16T16:45:00.000-07:00

For my childhood friend who is a doctor, and other interested and non-squeamish parties:

Here's a (possibly) cryptic post to answer your question about the diagnoses/procedures behind all this suffering.

Excerpts from initial report from the MRI Lumbar Spine and Sacrum without Contrast, 1.17.2006:

Large cystic expansile lesion in the mid and lower sacrum, most likely representing and occult intrasacral menigocele... the S2 and more inferior sacral and coccygeal nerve roots could be affected. CT myelography could be performed to evaluate for the presumed connection of the lesion to the thecal sac if clinically indicated.

The lesion is nearly isotense to CSF on all pulse sequences, with mild remodeling of the adjacent sacrum... the lesion measures approximately 5.9 x 3.6 x 7.0 cm.

3.1.2006, First operation preoperative diagnosis: sacral meningocele/intradural cyst
Procedure performed: Sacral laminectomy and excision of cyst wall, microdissection technique, intraoperative nerve stimulation/monitoring.

3.7.2006, Hospitalized a day or two after discharge for treatment of Clostridium Difficile.

12.22.2006, Second spinal operation: Cyst, subanachnoid (intrathecal) shunt with Delta low-pressure valve.

2.13.2007 (happy valentines day), Nose surgery to repair damage done when Littlest One threw himself backwards and broke my nose; I'd had to put off surgery to accomodate spinal surgery, though the assault occurred in early September.

7.11.2007, Third spinal operation: Laminectomy and closure of cerebrospinal fluid fistula, sacral spine.

7.21 - 7.26, hospitalized for excruciating pain; turns out I'd blown the dural patch right off, but despite my 61-day CSF headache, we didn't find that out until...

9.5.2007, Fourth spinal operation: Repair of cerebrospinal fluid fistula with patch, microdissection technique, placement of lumbar subarachnoid drain.

10.10.2007, Fifth spinal operation, postoperative diagnosis: dislodgement of distal end of subarachnoid shunt. Proceedure performed: Exploration of wound, removal of distal cyst catheter tip and conversion to an Ommaya reservoir. On my back for a week with drains in place to moderate CSF pressure to allow wound to heal.

10.17.2007, Sixth spinal operation: Same hospitalization, repeat of most recent surgery, I think... Here I've lost track of operative reports. On my back for a week with drains in place to moderate CSF pressure to allow wound to heal.

12.14.2007, Seventh spinal surgery: removal of cyst shunt/reservoir, repair of dural opening via laminectomy, placement of lumbar subarachnoid drain. Intensive care section of Neuro Unit, spinal drains in place, etc.

12.21.2007, Upon discharge from hospital, transfer to rehabilitation hospital for monitoring, pain management, and therapy to recover from major muscle atrophe after so many days/weeks in bed. Released for good behavior several days early, 12.29.2007.

Currently under home health care and home physical therapy. In a month, maybe I'll graduate to outpatient therapy.

Quiet victories

2008-01-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about physical therapy, and how subtle and simple but oh so challenging it is.

In the movies, recuperation and triumph after physical injury seems so glamorous, tough, and aggressive. The soundtrack pumps up the audience as they watch the beads of sweat appear on our hero's forehead. Big, bold movements and long grimacing efforts are shot in interestingly edited montages. The hero grunts with pain and trembles with exertion. He has a mentor who eggs him on, pushing him to reach his highest potential. And in the end, the triumphant victory. Hard, hard work results in glorious success.

I'm thinking of Peaceful Warrior, and the gymnast with the shattered leg, and Nick Nolte there to urge his apprentice to overcome his physical challenges. "With some hard work, I'm sure you'll be able to walk again," his doctor says solemnly. "A warrior doesn't give up what he loves. He finds the love in what he does," Nick Nolte rasps.

Flash to any of the Rocky movies. I don't recall what injuries Rocky had to overcome or fight through (I confess to not having seen all of the films), but man, what a soundtrack for his training. Whew. The only similarity to my situation is Adrienne, my amazing physical therapist. But I don't think I'll be shouting, "YO! ADRIENNE!" at any point in my therapy.

Check out this list from Amazon.com of Movies about individuals dealing with physical or mental challenges. I'm sure these films have tear-jerking scores for the revelation of the seriousness of the challenge, and driving scores for the recovery efforts.

"The Eye of the Tiger" isn't resounding in triumphant crescendo to accompany my efforts, that's for sure. The realities of recovery would be way too BOR-ing for any film audience, and the detailed descriptions of the exercises I do would put my blog readers to sleep. Instead of dramatic, sweating exertion, my heroic journey is made up of little steps and stretches and many admonitions from my therapists: stop pushing so hard; take it easy; you won't get there any faster by rushing--indeed you could set yourself back by working too hard. REST!

I suppose the drama in my story lies in the emotional components of recovery. A writer like Philip Roth might be able to do it justice. There is great complexity in my mental and emotional journey from harried wellness and relentless pursuit of the Bottom of the To Do List, to shock at my diagnosis and recommendations for treatment, to the forced acceptance as I am wheeled into the operating room, to the odd timelessness of the hospital, to the mixed joy and anxiety of returning home to examine what I've left undone.

I've had to surrender to this process, and let them have their way with my body in the interest of wellness. Funny how awful these health-building interventions can be. But there's no choice in the matter, so courage doesn't really come into play. Some kind of fundamental strength may be at work here, but it doesn't feel as deliberate as courage must be.

The best I can hope for are daily accomplishments, measured in such small units that it's ridiculous to verbalize them. Just a nod to the fact that I have made the transition from lying in a bed for 14 days to gradually sitting in a chair, then given mobility with a wheelchair, then a walker, then a cane, all in a matter of weeks. Only in taking the long view of my recent history can I measure my quiet victories.

Another Loss

2008-01-16T14:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received email notification about the death of a former coworker. I met Gene Wright in 1988 when I took a student worker position for our esteemed organization. He was kind and quietly humorous and we exchanged quips even after he retired whenever he came into the office. He was in charge of the punch at the annual Christmas party. He was a very nice man, and he had interesting things to say. Is it really possible that we shared twenty years of casual professional acquaintance? This points out how fortunate I have been to enjoy long-lasting associations with the people I've worked with all these years.

Here's a little synopsis of Gene Wright's life. http://www.legacy.com/tucson/Obituaries.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=101339837

Condolences

2008-01-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

Agathon and others who knew and loved this man have sustained a great loss.
(Please see http://agathon-sbh.blogspot.com/2008/01/unidentified-american-citizen.html)

My friends know that I've been avoiding The News for months--okay, years. I can't take it. Part of the reason I can't take it is because for every one of these reports of senseless violence and suffering, there is a story like Agathon's to tell about the victims and those left behind.

I'm too close to the continuum; I feel the pain too much to be able to absorb the information. For every "unidentified American," for every singular individual counted among dozens or hundreds or thousands of whatever nationality, there is a group of people who will be forever changed because of the events described so succinctly in AP reports.

The idea--or the gut-wrenching reality-- of that grief chokes me up in public places and I have to turn away to protect myself from horrified scrutiny, and people around me from having to open up to the agonies of grief they might have to feel if they get too close. We have a society to run, people... we can't all fall apart and sob at the relentless media coverage of the atrocities that are taking place down the street or across the ocean. (Though maybe we should. Ponder that for a moment.)

I've always defended my periodic media fasts (which have become a way of life) by saying that if I need to know about it, I'll hear. For example, I heard about the planes flying into the World Trade Center when my best friend called me at six in the morning. I fell right into that news story because my mother was planning to fly standby on her way to Arizona from New York/New Jersey to help me prepare for the birth of my first child. A childhood friend worked in government service in or near Washington, D.C.; the nature of her work begged the assumption that she could be in the Pentagon. The daughter of coworkers/friends/family of choice taught English in a high school RIGHT THERE in the shadow of the two towers (Agathon's wife, interestingly enough). Their other daughter was somewhere else in that city. There were many phone calls made that day and in subsequent days to check on the status of my family, friends, editors who I'd never met in person, and other people of particular significance to me.

The story of yet another terrorist attack would normally be enough to make me get up and exit the room if it were broadcast in my presence. And yet, this one must make me pause to listen because of its particular significance to someone who is significant to me. I can cry about this for his sake as well as for the inherent existential angst of the matter. I will break my media fast to follow this story in honor of friendship, even if I never made this particular friend. More's the pity, that, from what I've learned about this Unidentified American.

My condolences, A. I am sorry for your loss.

The erotic appeal of the Lands' End catalog

2008-01-14T21:29:00.000-07:00

Here's some food for thought: Courtesy of Nerve.Com Magazine (http://www.nerve.com/):

Personal Inventory
The erotic appeal of the Lands' End catalog.
by James Stegall
November 20, 2007

The Lands' End Fall catalog is porn for the heartsick man. Who thought sixty pages of stylish-yet-practical clothing would employ models that are disturbing approximations of the lovely, thirty-something woman who doesn't want to put up with your shit anymore?

But there she is: kicking leaves on a crisp day, sipping coffee in an immaculate breakfast nook, nestling a golden baby and smiling like the most perfect family photo on a young executive's desk.

These are images more invasive than any Victoria's Secret spread, because they don't inspire lust. This is a pornography of regret, and the longer you stare, the more seductive it becomes. These sixty pages are a self-pity trap; any sane lonely man would do well to avoid them.

Read on at:
http://www.nerve.com/personalessays/stegall/personalinventory/

... and check out the mission statement for this Internet magazine, if this kind of content doesn't offend you. If it does, then move along, move along... there's nothing to see here.

(Doncha love it when I put this stuff up on my Blog without comment? It's sort of unfair, but I just can't spare the energy to react in words at this time. I figure throwing these things against the wall to see if they stick is a sign that I'm alive, and getting out there enough to find some wacky stimuli. Don't come to any conclusions about my state of mind by the content of my recent posts. Just laugh along with me, eh?)

Hanukkah gansta rap

2008-01-08T22:50:00.000-07:00

Hanukkah Gangsta Rap from the mind of Steve Kerper

Released from Rehab: Realizations and Appreciations

2007-12-30T14:28:00.000-07:00

I came home yesterday from the rehabilitation hospital where I spent 8 days after my release from the intensive care area of the neurological unit. Before surgery, I took some comfort in the idea that I knew what to expect when I woke up from anesthesia, but surprise, surprise, surprise... They have a whole 'nother row of rooms around the corner and down the hall from my old stomping (with a walker) grounds. I knew something was different because of the strange blue color scheme, the absence of tepid watercolor artwork on the walls, the presence of a lot more medical equipment, no private bathroom, and windows looking right out at the nurses' station. Also a lot more beeping noises, whirring noises, whooshing noises. A lot more attention, day and night. A lot more tubes, monitors, and observation of my body from machines and humans dressed in scrubs. More latex gloves.

Still, the increased scrutiny of the intensive care area was like a private retreat compared to the rehab hospital, where I had a roommate and where the nurses came in regularly to turn on the neon lights when they checked my vital signs, administered medications, and seemed a bit more eager to stick a suppository up my a** than I liked. For the first night, I had a bed alarm that shrieked when I moved, bringing running footsteps down the hall to see if I'd fallen out of bed. I was not permitted to go to the bathroom or shower alone. I had the most intense physical workup I've ever had.

After I was trained to use my wheelchair in physical therapy, I wheeled about the hallways and learned that I was in the Lock Down portion of the hospital. I had to work for several days to prove that I was cognitively adept enough to come and go. Eventually they figured out I wasn't a flight risk, and I began to have the run of the place; I could just wave down the hall to the nurses' desk and someone would let me out without coming to check my wristband and consult a list.

I went to my scheduled occupational and physical therapy sessions, and stayed for an extra hour when my strength and endurance allowed. I wheeled myself around the halls and graduated to a walker and then a cane. I sneaked into the bathroom when people weren't looking. The day before I left I finally got to sit in the shower all by myself.

I asked for early release because after being there for Christmas, I just didn't want to stay for New Year's Eve. I know the chances are slim that I'll attend a princess ball tomorrow night, but at least I might be able to get a midnight kiss from my sweetheart without feeling sneaky and guilty.

I was chastised for having a male guest lie in my bed with me; it is against policy, if the patient has a roommate, to lie in bed with a visitor (or presumably another patient). We had to take refuge in the cold, echoing hallways late at night, wheeling around and around, trying to find a comfortable place to whisper furtively. I couldn't sit up for more than a few minutes and there were no couches or lounges where patients could entertain visitors. So even the comforting touch and words of the man who loves me were circumscribed pleasures. There was a lonely sense of deprivation in that set of circumstances. Junior high dances and school field trips should have such effective chaperones.

Yesterday, I took a taxi home and showered in my own bathroom and crawled between the crisp, clean sheets of my own sweet broad bed. S came over to hold me and kiss my face in a way he hasn't been able to do in weeks. I cried with relief and appreciation for the small but priceless experiences of autonomy and human dignity that are sacrificed in the relentless quest to achieve the basic level of physical ability to be without 24-hour nursing and physical supervision.

It's a double-edged sword. Being presented with three square meals a day wheeled up to the bed, swallowing the pills brought to me every four hours relentlessly, people standing ready to prop me up or move me off the toilet or catch me if I fall, regular checks of pulse and blood pressure and heart and lungs and bowel function, supervised physical therapy, and exquisite attention to my physical safety were essential, I must concede.

I can hope (and I made a huge bet on this) that the benefits of home will have their own role in my healing. Long stretches of uninterrupted sleep; the privilege to use the toilet in privacy; having a nice long hot shower with my own fragrant soaps, lotions and balms; the comfort of my own jammies against my skin; being able to cry whenever I want, as loudly as I want, for as long as I want-- those have their place in this journey towards well-being. There is no room for that in the critical care wards. Enjoying the benefits of an adult romantic friendship without illicit feelings about accepting even non-sexual human touch is as vital as anything else, but its value can't be quantified and recorded in the medical charts.

In any case, I'm home now, but still require enough assistance that I may be carrying out many of my days in the homes of others until I can TRULY take care of myself. I don't know how often the home health team will be here to check on me, or when I will graduate to out-patient physical therapy. Not even the most seasoned physician can give me a timeline to predict when I will be able to stop taking medications that blur my concentration and make me have to decide if other nasty side effects are really worth putting up with in order to have pain relief. No one can tell me that I'll be granted permission to drive my own car in X days/weeks. No one can even make the foggiest guess about when I will be able to take up the duties of motherhood for two little kids.

The rehab center provided a mental health counselor as part of my treatment team. That was a good thing. He gives patients the tools to deal with the difficulties I've just barely begun to describe. Some of the residents of that hospital are counting their stay in terms of weeks and months instead of days. I'm one of the lucky ones.

My roommate cried when I said goodbye. She said I had inspired her and that she hopes her next roommate is half as nice as I have been. I cried when she said that, and bent awkwardly to give her a hug. Having been there for over a month, she has seen several people come and go, as she stays to carry out her valiant fight to recover. I was choked up as I tried to explain that SHE inspired me. I saw improvement in her condition over my 8 or 9 days there. She taught me that we must celebrate even the most minute improvements when we are this ill, this helpless. She showed me what courage looks like.

I weep to think of her there in that room, trying to maintain a positive attitude as she succumbs to the indignities of spilled bedpans and anxiety and having to be turned and medicated and cleaned and fed on a schedule by harried but caring nursing staff.

I am so glad to be free of the experiment in human indignity that is the hospital gown. I'm glad to look forward to beginning a new year from the vantage point of a couch or "real" bed instead of the mushy, narrow, bending hospital bed with its rails and buttons and sticky undersurfaces. I would like to dump that all-purpose hospital soap/shampoo/body wash down the sink so that in a few weeks or months I won't open a bottle to take a whiff that will lead instantaneously to the nauseating physical memories of the health care institutions.

I am challenged, even in the comfort of my home. Perhaps I had some unreasonable, subconscious expectation that when I got home, I would be BETTER. I have to remember the glory of the small daily improvements I'm making. I must not succumb to self-pity, at least not in the company of my friends and family. That would be too much for them to bear and it's quite pathetic and an antithesis of the healing I am striving for. I must leave the laundry to pile up, leave the dishes in the sink, leave things on the floor when I drop them, and be satisfied with giving them a little kick or poke with the cane to keep them from being tripping hazards.

I have to stand by helplessly if winter frost warnings are issued. I am as unable to help my garden even from here as I was in the hospital these cold weeks. I laughed with a friend yesterday that if the plants I lovingly planted can't hack it, then they can just give up and die. Nothing that isn't strong and hardy can stay around this household, for the time being. If I lose the plants that I spent all that money and energy on from planting to harvest, then I'll have to take solace in the memory of the pleasure I had at each moment when I was well enough to engage in the luxury of working in the garden. Only the persistent, tenacious and indefatigable may continue in my company until I can be well enough to tend to things weaker and more needy than myself. We're all in this together.

I am happy to report, after weeks of neglect, that my garden grows without me. Some of the plants are going to hold on, even thrive in these challenging desert conditions. I plan to do the same thing.

If life is a race, am I taking a pit stop?

2007-12-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Agathon again for this: http://agathon-sbh.blogspot.com/2007/12/reason-312-to-slow-fk-down.html

Value

2007-12-13T23:45:00.000-07:00

I'm about to start my fast prior to surgery and I'm weary, but I have to post yet another link to Scenes From a Broken Hand because... well, you'll see. Check this out: http://agathon-sbh.blogspot.com/2007/12/free-lunch.html

Twas the night before surgery...

2007-12-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

...and all through the house....

thought I'd come up with a clever little poem to honor The Night Before Christmas, or perhaps dishonor that old favorite from Christmas past.

But I just ain't feelin' all that perky or creative this evening.

My sweet friend KS accompanied me to pre-operative testing yesterday, so I didn't have the same kind of emotional breakdown I've had the last two or three times I've gone in for blood draws, chest x-rays and EKGs, weighing and measuring and intensive interview about medical history and medications.

Of course, I may have skipped the Reality Check, that moment when I have to face up to the fact that this is really going to happen... AGAIN. Maybe that painful moment isn't really necessary; I know for sure that her gentle presence was the best possible medicine. I come to tears of gratitude to think that she flew in from Portland and made her way here to help me through this.

As the two of us negotiated the little gauntlet, the techs laughed as I waved away their detailed explanations and directions and even stated my name and birthdate upon presenting orders for each proceedure. "I guess you know the routine," they shook their heads.

The nurse plunked down a big ol' chart about two and a half inches thick and got ready to add the new forms to the pile. This time I'd typed up my medical history with dates and details, and a list of prescriptions medications and dosages, etc. I've gotten so sick of writing all that down each time I go to a doctor that I just spent a little time typing it up and now I can present it and write "see attached" on the medical questionaires. Later I told K that this enormous chart was one of at least three; the anesthesiologist's chart is just as thick and has a blue cover. And I think there's one more for the surgery suite, or my doctor, or whoever...

As K bravely walked along beside me up and down the halls, I continued a conversation we'd been having earlier. The gist of that discussion was how everything in my life that once gave it meaning has been stripped from me: active participation in mothering my kids, my work, and many of the recreational activities I once enjoyed: gardening, hiking, SCUBA diving, Latin dancing... even reading books is beyond my capacity now.

We both worked to reassure me that healing is my full time job right now. I felt as if I was at my workplace, going through a familiar routine, taking well-known pathways through the hospital maze, knowing what to expect at every turn and simply conducting my tasks with as much efficiency as I would if I were walking a grant proposal through the university system, or something like that.

I took my friend up to the 3rd floor to see the neuro ward that I know oh so well as I face my seventh back surgery, ninth admission to that unit. I showed her the rooms I had inhabited and the fish tank and the big board where my name and room number would be posted and nurses' and techs' names would be added and taken down at shift changes. I told her, "The next time I walk down this hall, it will seem a lot longer, and I'll be using a walker, and stepping carefully and slowly like this--" and I did a goofy demonstration of what will NOT be so goofy in a few days, when I get my first walk after surgery.

One of the nurses said, "I saw you walk by; what are you doing back here?" I told her that I'd brought my friend to see the place, and said, "I'll see you Friday, just from a different angle." Her facial expression and body language said it all: shock, surprise, disappointment, sympathy...

Yes, next time I will take another elevator, and be wheeled in on a gurney, and be dressed in a loose-fitting hospital gown with my thumb poised above my PCI button... Whatever that stands for... after all this time I've forgotten or still haven't learned--the gadget that delivers premeasured doses of morphine at the touch of that magic button, with an hourly maximum and other safeguards to prevent overdose.

I've been taking morphine since July, and it's lost its efficacy in pill form, so I sure hope I hold that little device with as much hope and relief as I will need.

I'm sad and scared and disappointed and I don't really feel prepared, but what can I do to prepare, really? Each time I pack less and less in my little overnight bag, because there is very little use for most things one might think to bring, and it just adds a burden for the person who picks me up to take me home after my discharge.

My doctor told me about his plan earlier this week, and talked about the different things he might discover when he cuts me open. Before he came in, I gave K a little anatomy lesson about my condition using the rubber and plastic models of the spine--skeletal and nervous systems.

I looked at that place where all the nerves branch off to the lower body--I think it's called the cauda equinus or something like that-- and wished I could see a photo of what lies beneath my own skin and tissue in that area. Is that gross? I like to read each operative report with its detailed accounting in Latin-influenced, precise medical terminology; would it be as interesting to see the gory details for myself? A few surgeries ago I would have said, "Hell NO" and turned away with a woozy shudder. Now I'm much more intrigued, perhaps more informed, and even a little distant from the whole thing.

So... fasting after midnight, a washdown with antibacterial soap, 8:30 a.m. check-in for 10:30 surgery. By now any of you who are inclined to visit me in hospital already know the routine all too well, but here's a little info just in case: Northwest Medical Center Patient and Visitor Information: http://www.northwestmedicalcenter.com/map_dir.html

Northwest Medical Center
6200 N. La Cholla Blvd.
Tucson, Arizona 85741

Main Switchboard: (520) 742-9000

I brought my cell phone the last two times, but after bills approaching $400.00 for overuse of minutes, I won't do that again. Also, a nurse cautioned me that cell phones could interfere with patient telemetry transmissions, and I'm not about to put any of my neighbors or myself at risk, so I'll probably be incommunicado this time. I have a direct line to my room but no message service. Half the time it's unplugged so I can sleep; usually I get inundated with calls for the previous occupant. Another portion of the time I'm having some proceedure done on my body or I'm out of the room for more MRIs or for physical therapy... and since I don't know what room number I'll be in until I get there, I can't let you know the number now. The main switchboard will get you there, but won't take messages. Gosh, I guess they have more important things to do [wry grin].

I'm not very good about returning calls these days, anyway, as some of you know... But I'll try to stay in touch. No computer wireless in hospital, so no blogging from there. I really do feel as if I'm on some kind of remote retreat or in outer space while I'm there anyway. Days pass and I don't know where the time goes or what my mind does or any of that. It's so weird.

What's more weird is to be so damned familiar with all this that I guess I don't really even have to do any kind of emotional or mental preparation. I've dedicated this whole day to resting after a week of insomnia, and I'll have to put aside my To Do list for yet another undetermined length of time.

The other night MC brought me delicious homemade Tuscan bean soup with rice and spinach to add essential amino acids and iron... and a lot of treats LESS specifically aimed at my health, but certainly satisfying to reluctant taste buds. Then she took me to her parents' house where I learned to play Dominoes. Who knew that would be so much fun? They sent me home with soothing personal care items, and the happy results of a few hours' distraction from all this gloomy, morose hanging around that I've been doing lately.

My thank you card list will be ENORMOUS when I finally feel well enough to express gratitude... I hope you all know that I appreciate your help and support and contributions more than I could convey in a card, anyway...

Off I go. More in a week or two, I guess...

Especially for S: Music and Laughter

2007-12-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

To my Sweetheart,

If/when we ever do get in an argument, can we do it with the mediation of our dear Beethoven?

(thanks agathon and the rest of the thread that makes this display possible)

Argument to Beethoven's 5th
Featuring Sid Caesar and Nanette Fabray

Here's a reference to a link from my Biblio File that actually made me snort with laughter tonight, which I would have thought was impossible, under the circumstances. Since you have a delightful way of making me laugh when I most need it, check out what this guy says to his gal: http://www.thingsmyboyfriendsays.com/

Captain's Log. Star Date: WHEN IS THIS GOING TO GET BETTER??? And Happy Chanukah.

2007-12-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

November 29, 2007: Outpatient extraction of 163 ccs of straw-colored fluid from swelling in lower back. One prick for numbing medicine, two "bee stings" from large gauge needles, resulting in seven syringes for fluid collection. Culture positive for Staphylococcus. Instructions to lie flat for a couple of days completely disregarded in favor of feeding and caring for wild children.

December 3, 2007: Outpatient extraction of over 100 ccs of straw colored fluid from swelling in lower back. No numbing medicine, two more large gauge needles (stabs, not stings this time), and the syringes were placed in the biohazard box before I counted them. Increasingly clear appearance of fluid indicates probable cerebrospinal fluid leak. Culture results: pending. Instructions: lie flat with as much of a pressure bandage on my lower back as possible, for as long as possible. I was a compliant patient for the rest of that day, all night and a good part of the next day.

December 5, 2007: My Little One spent all night last night with diarrhea and vomiting. I dozed on the living room floor between the bucket brigade and laundry loads. Those pink hospital basins have their uses; three in circulation at a time, accompanied by a stack of towels and washcloths, can help a sick mommy get through a bad night without carrying the child to the bathroom more than once, because that one time will teach her that the doctors meant what they said when they put lifting restrictions on her. Other mommies I know find their ways through these scary kid illnesses and bedwetting and all the rest...

All of that is trivial accounting of time passed. Some of you know the real cause of my despair tonight; I can't write about it here. I can't yet speak of it without weeping.

A few minutes ago I signed off on a message of gratitude to helpful friends to honor their celebration of Chanukah. I'll use it again here:

With remembrance of lights past, gratitude for lights present, and eagerness for lights future, bless us all.

Ten more things learned... wanna play?

2007-12-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

Agathon at Scenes from a Broken Hand responds to Glaser's Essay referred to in my previous post with 10 Things He Has Learned.

How 'bout you?

All I have time to list now is this off-the-cuff list of ten things I've learned recently:

1. Sometimes loving someone(s) means you have to give them up, at least for a while.

2. Having children with a spouse enforces some of those marriage vows, even when the marriage has become a mirage, a cause for shuddering regret, and a constant reminder of one's bad judgment of character. It's never really over. Til death do us part, indeed.

3. The lousy, abusive, accusing words of an ex-husband require regular doses of love, support and contrasting words of encouragement and admiration from a couple dozen wise, respected and credible friends to ease their pain. Still. Why is that? My Advisory Board is made up of a group of talented, intelligent, wise, caring, strong and accomplished individuals who come to a consensus in their assessment of my worth as a friend and mother. Yet one idiot who has proven to have no integrity, who is a cheat and a liar and a narcissistic ignoramus can still say a few words in a certain tone of voice to devastate me.

4. The most stubborn willpower and fiercest of good intentions cannot overcome physical limitations. These fragile bodies we inhabit can bear much, and can enable us to accomplish much. But they sometimes fail us, even in the face of superhuman emotional strength.

5. "You haven't got anything if you haven't got your health."

6. I can endure more suffering than I can bear witness to. The very idea of some of the diagnostic and treatment procedures that have been performed on my body with the goal of improving my health would have made me faint if they had been described to me a year or two ago. Watching or hearing the news, watching an emotionally wrenching movie, or observing the quiet resignation(?)/calm(?) of a group of people in recliners, covered by blankets, receiving chemotherapy infusions is harder for me than to lie on my side with a large gauge needle sticking out of my own lower back.

7. Morphine, oxycodone and all of those pain medications suck. I'd NEVER take one for fun.

8. Humiliation is just one more bump in the road, one more shove to the ground. A person can just keep getting up again and again, and keep going.

9. Self-care is perhaps the hardest challenge of all, but so much depends upon it that NOTHING must get in the way of that daily practice. No matter how difficult it is to force down a meal, to count liters of liquids or grams of protein, to stick to the medication schedule, those things must be done. In each person's life, there is some THING that he or she MUST do to take good care. We must not neglect those things, or we'll pay a high price. So will those who depend on us.

10. I still have much to learn. Gratitude and curiosity are the antidotes to hopelessness, pain and humiliation. As long as I have those two qualities or characteristics, I'm still me.

Good medicine: Thank you, thank you, thank you

2007-11-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

Agathon included this in his blog on my account:

P.S. If you're the kind of person who sends prayers or vibes or good thoughts to those In Need, see if you can focus a little energy on our friend at Living in Syn, who is dealing with medical procedures best left to the Spanish Inquisition...or Extraordinary Renditioners.

I'm touched and grateful. This is the kind of thing that gets me through the day. Enough of this kind of thing gets me through my life.

I am one of those people who believes in prayers and good vibes and positive energy. I'm taking in all I can these days. I'll be a vessel for goodness and I'll pass it on when I'm strong enough to get back to doing good in the world.

Thank you, A and H. You've given me GOOD medicine. Thank you to anyone who is led here by A's invitation and call to service. Blessings upon us all.

Heather
(Who is, by the way, a confirmed vegetable eater)

http://agathon-sbh.blogspot.com/2007/11/stop-presses-man-has-teeth-could-easily.html

woozy medical update: not for the squeamish

2007-11-29T16:52:00.001-07:00

Thursday: The swelling in my lower back ballooned to twice what it was yesterday, perhaps due to all the prodding and poking from the various medical professionals who assessed my condition. I called the physician's assistant this morning and she had me come into the office today. My doctor was there, so he stepped in to look. We all decided to extract the fluid, and see what happens before "taking more aggressive action."

One numbing injection, two large gauge needle pokes, and seven syringes later, I surveyed a row of syringes filled with 163 ccs of straw yellow colored fluid that had been in my body. The PA had to leave the room two or three times to get more syringes; she was surprised at how much fluid she could extract.

"We all agree, you're a unique case," she said.

"So I've been told," I replied.

After the first extraction and needle poke, she had to use another needle and just screw the syringes on one after the other. So I lay on my side in a pool of this stuff that oozed out of the needle holes. She stopped extracting when the puncture stopped oozing and the suction started to make an audible sucking sound.

I looked up measurement conversions at OnlineConversion.com (http://www.onlineconversion.com/) to see what 163 ccs amounts to in more easily understandable measurements. That's over 5.5 ounces, if that gives you a better idea of how much that is. Icky. It makes me woozy to think of it.

"That's a sight I won't forget," I said on my way out.

I was directed to go home and lie down flat for the rest of the day and tomorrow to try to avoid the dreaded spinal headache. If I DO get a spinal headache, then we have a clue that there may yet be a slow leak. The yellow color of the fluid indicates that it has been there for a while in the same state; I wonder if they have a medical term for "stagnant." If it had been clear that might have indicated a probable leak. It's not good, it's not bad, it's what it is.

I suspect all of this is WAY too much detail to post, but there it is. There you have it.

Just enough is more

2007-11-28T19:49:00.000-07:00

Wednesday: I went to my first out-patient physical therapy session this morning, and later visited my neurosurgeon's physician's assistant. She was concerned that the swelling and fluid build-up hadn't gone down in the six weeks since surgery, so she had one of the neurosurgeons come to look at it (my doctor was in surgery). They are slightly concerned about this; it's not a crisis, especially since I'm not having those horrendous spinal headaches anymore, but I'm still weak and in pain. I'll go back soon to see my own surgeon so we can see what's next.

Perhaps more MRIs and myelograms, perhaps even surgery... though no one said that word today.

I guess I'll just keep plugging away.

As a total departure, CJL recommended this essay by Milton Glaser: Ten Things I Have Learned (Part of AIGA Talk in London, November 22, 2001)
http://www.miltonglaser.com/pages/milton/essays/es3.html

I can dig the mantra --- "just enough is more."

She also directed me towards a film, "The Lives of Others." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lives_of_Others I'll add it to the Netflix queue...

Dear Santa Part I

2007-11-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

Here's No Impact Man's Letter to Santa: http://noimpactman.typepad.com/blog/2007/11/the-no-impact-d.html

I'm going to write a Dear Santa letter of my own, if I get around to it. I meant to make my Thanksgiving list; there are SO many people to thank, and so many things to be grateful for that it could take a long, long time. I still want to do it, because I find that gratitude is the antidote to despair, hopelessness, restlessness, impatience, and general malaise. I need a dose of that medicine after this week.

So... this is my reminder to myself to get to this if I can, and if not, an invitation to ya'll to consider your own Santa Letters.

I sorta want to put in a link to Sarah Silverman singing "Give the Jew Girl Toys," but it's quite a departure from my intent for this post. There's room for totally tasteless but subversively insightful humor elsewhere. Remind me to put that on my Gratitude List.

Put on notice

2007-11-26T20:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not even sure I should write about this here, in case I have readers who are less well-meaning than my friends and associates. But it's just another chapter in this ludicrous story of illness and parenthood, so I'll take the risk.

A few weeks ago I retrieved a voice mail message from a police officer who left her name, phone number and badge number, but no clue as to the reason for her call. Later that day, I answered a "courtesy call" from the vice-principal of my child's elementary school. I was "courteously" notified that a "concerned" individual had reported me to the police for possible endangerment of my children because I was driving them to school so soon after release from the hospital, surgeries, etc. Evidently someone "overheard" a conversation I had with one of the members of the team who works to rein in my "Little Firecracker" when he acts out at school (running away from school and being chased down in the parking lot by parents, teachers and firefighters, knocking over desks, crying, shouting and all the rest).

I called Officer X back repeatedly, but only tonight she called me back, with apoligies for the delay. She works the midnight shift, which makes it hard to return calls at 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. She didn't seem amused when I told her she would probably have caught me awake at that hour.

After the "courtesy" call, I took the defensive action of obtaining a signed letter from my neurosurgeon's office that says I can drive if I'm not taking my pain medication. That doesn't matter much, though. There has been an "incident report" and if anyone finds reason to question my driving, I can be pulled over and evaluated for DUI, including getting blood drawn to see what medications are in my system. If I'm alone, I can be charged with a misdemeanor DUI. If my children are in the car, it becomes a felony.

Officer X called dispatch to check on my license; she confirmed that no restrictions had been placed on it by the motor vehicle division. I asked if the same anonymous person who reported me to her could initiate that process. She said no, it would have to be done by my physician or law enforcement.

She wasn't even sure she had actually made an official report. If she had, I would be entitled to a copy of it, but so much of the body of the report would be redacted that it wouldn't tell me much. Of course they can't tell me who reported me in the first place.

I find this particularly ironic given the fact that last week, one of my child's classmates was ejected from the car in a single vehicle accident in which the mother and one sibling were killed, and two other children were injured. The school is inundated with grief counselors. My child's behavior coach told me that Big'un has asked her several times if I was going to live. Now he has proof positive that a little kid CAN lose her mother.

I can only assume that the person who made that phone call had the best interests of my children in mind. That is small comfort, given the amount of distress this has caused me over the past weeks.

I don't know about you all, but if I observed this situation from the outside, the first thing I would probably do would be to see what could be done to HELP. I don't think calling law enforcement would have been my first call to action, as it might be if I observed a mother hitting her children or otherwise actively abusing/endangering them.

Who knows; I can't know the motivations of the person who made that call. I must hold it in my mind that he or she had only the best intentions. That doesn't really reduce my anger and irritation about this whole mess, but in time I'll have to come to terms with it in the most positive way possible.

While I qualify for Handicar services because of my medical condition, that service won't transport children. I've hired someone to drive to the school and daycare center in the afternoons to pick up the children so that I can take my pain medication as soon as I get home from my morning drive. I haven't found anyone who isn't insanely busy in the mornings.

I feel awful right now. I keep telling myself that I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN, but from every direction I'm getting feedback that it just isn't good enough. I failed a proofreading/copy editing test, so I can't even do that kind of work at home to support myself. Some of you know how ridiculously particular I am about copy errors; I thought I could pass the test in my sleep. Guess not. And now my driving and even my judgment about the care and safety of my own children has been called into question.

What next?!

Tears fall. I curl up with my pillow and wait for sleep--and the NEXT big whack, because it's bound to come from somewhere.

Mother at Large blogger gets book deal

2007-11-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

... so I thought I'd put it in here, because my blog serves as my own repository of interesting stuff that I may eventually get to check out when time/energy permits. Besides, I'm getting jazzed about getting my own book deal, so kudos to her for getting one. Writers (particularly mothers and fathers) unite!
http://www.motheratlarge.com/

Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams: Randy Pausch

2007-11-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

Randy Pausch homepage: http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/

From Carnegie Mellon Resource page:
http://www.cmu.edu/randyslecture/
Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams
Randy Pausch

With equal parts humor and heart, Carnegie Mellon Professor Randy Pausch recently delivered a one-of-a-kind university lecture that moved an overflow crowd at Carnegie Mellon - and is now moving audiences around the globe.

Follow his inspiring journey through his childhood dreams to groundbreaking achievements at Carnegie Mellon.

Co-founder of the university's Entertainment Technology Center and creator of Alice, a revolutionary software that teaches computer programming, Randy shares the lessons he's learned that helped him turn his childhood dreams into reality.

Voting, political action, individual action to make a difference

2007-11-16T11:42:00.000-07:00

No Impact Man: Good post on voting, political action and individual action. Amen, Bro.

http://noimpactman.typepad.com/blog/2007/11/individual-vs-p.html

Yes, I do have a MySpace

2007-11-15T11:39:00.001-07:00

I guess you "have to." So yes, I do: http://www.myspace.com/narfutin

I guess it's another way to stay connected in this crazy world. Obviously this blog is THE place to visit to explore my digital exposure/sharing/whatever. But for those who operate on the MySpace highway, this is how to find me.

Narfutin is a word made up by my uncle's former wife; she put it on the grocery list for her parents to take to an up-scale grocery store in West Palm Beach, Florida sometime in the early '90s. We giggled at the idea of her stately parents having to go to the grocers to ask for this mysterious product. Not a very nice prank, but the word stuck.

So that's why you can't find me on MySpace. I'm hiding out. Only a select few will be able to find me, until I get really famous, then I'll be glad I put up a few filters for the legions of fans. Hardee har har.

On rape, to put it bluntly

2007-11-15T10:24:00.000-07:00

This is a YouTube clip by a video blogger called Kicesie. She does regular programs called "Advanced Sex Ed." I find her charming, educated, and courageous--and she generally cites her sources.

The following is a link to one powerful episode: To My Terrorist: on rape
or otherwise found at this URL:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekr_msIte_o&NR=1

I won't embed it. If you want to seek it out, please do so. This comes with a warning that it is difficult to watch. Therefore, I don't want anyone to come upon this without being prepared for it.

This is the first in a series of posts that are leading to my own "coming out" about some of my own difficult history. Sometimes hearing the stories of others can help us heal and face our own stories. That is my motivation for sharing, when I eventually do, and I suspect that has been part of Kicesie's motivation in her courageous and articulate video posting.

It's going to take me a while, so the more salacious readers may be disappointed. Those of you who know me very well may already know what I'm talking about. This sharing of stories is one step in a very long process of personal healing.

May we all be well.

Write a Novel in a Month: NaNoWriMo

2007-11-13T23:32:00.000-07:00

NaNoWriMo: http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Okay, if I started NOW I'd have half a month. I'm actually considering trying this, but maybe I ought to use any writing energy on the book I already have in progress.

But just in case you get inspired...

Suffering and other related topics

2007-11-10T16:02:00.000-07:00

I just watched Into the Arms of Strangers: Stories of Kindertransport, a documentary by Mark Jonathan Harris. It's about a sort of underground railroad for children that transported more than 10,000 children from Germany and other places to England as World War II was fomenting. I wept for the entire 117-minute film, and the additional interviews in the Special Features section.

This amazing film gave me some perspective about my own situation.

All I could do, when I saw the archival footage and heard the history of the pogroms and the brutality, was say, "Why? Why?! WHY?!"

The horrors are unspeakable. Yet this kind of thing goes on in our world right now. The sheer numbers cited about genocide or the battle casualty scorecards are overwhelming, especially when you think that each one of those numbers represents a REAL INDIVIDUAL HUMAN BEING and the loss of each person has a ripple effect through families and communities and ultimately the entire human race.

I know I need to go back to my media fast; yesterday I happened to be in a waiting room where a television blared CNN coverage of the updated story of a woman who died in police custody at the Phoenix airport. She was on her way from New York to a rehabilitation facility in Tucson, and she lost it,was taken into custody by airport police, and she died from asphixiation, ostensibly from trying to escape from her handcuffs. CNN continually replayed footage of the woman running about the concourse and then being taken by the police. Then they played the recording of the woman's husband very calmly but with great urgency telling the police dispatcher that his wife was suicidal, that she must not be left alone, that the rehab facility was waiting for her in Tucson, that he was greatly concerned that no one was communicating with him about his wife's situation. In between those scenes, they flashed happy family photos of the woman with her three(?) children.

I just bawled openly; the people around me looked away discreetly until I finally got the hell out of there. NO MORE NEWS for Heather. No NPR, no more heart-rending documentaries. No sad movies, no violence, no nuthin'. I just can't take it. My own reality is just a bit too much to take right now without adding the burden of the world's suffering. Selfish or not, that's my prescription.

I just got off the phone with my oldest friend in the world. She lives in Germany and she has five children. She has had her own health issues to deal with, but recently her 7-year-old got hurt at school. He had to have an operation on his foot. BA told me about his hospitalization, her oldest daughter's taking over the household for her brothers for a time while her parents were in and out of the hospital. Her husband is away on business and it's just too much to take. We both want to rescue each other.

"How come we never knew it would be so hard?" She lamented. Can I get a witness?

More weeping ensued, because as hard as it is to endure our own trials, to witness our children's suffering is a zillion times worse than any pain we can endure.

Energy allotment used up. End of post.

Celebrating Eve Ensler: Yeay Vagina Warriors

2007-11-08T18:30:00.000-07:00

I'd like to recommend a New Dimensions Radio interview: VICTORY OVER VIOLENCE with Eve Ensler. It airs online this week of November 7. Here's the schedule: http://www.newdimensions.org/ndir.php

You can also listen to the interview on your own schedule on the New Dimensions website: http://www.newdimensions.org/program.php?id=3029

Here are some listening options: http://www.ndbroadcasting.org/listening.php

Also, check out Eve Ensler's website: http://www.vday.org/contents/action/vmail

Luxury items that are billed as being "green"

2007-11-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

Eco-Friendly Extravagance: From eco-couture to the Monaco Yacht Show, the new face of luxury is green.
by Andrea Chalupa Nov 1 2007
Portfolio.com © 2007 Condé Nast Inc.

http://www.portfolio.com/culture-lifestyle/goods/2007/11/01/Green-Luxury-Trend

http://www.portfolio.com/slideshows/2007/11/Green-Luxury-Products

I found this a bit irritating at first, but I suppose I agree with Allen Hershkowitz: every little bit helps. (The article concludes: “Some people might be cynical,” says Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist at the nonprofit Natural Resources Defense Council. “The point is, everybody has to do something, given the nature of the eco-crisis we’re facing. We have to make those luxury goods less of a footprint. [The recycled] labels on vodka bottles matter.”)

Yet more evidence that giving is good

2007-11-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

Here is an interesting angle on charitable giving: there's something in it for ME. This is a thought-provoking article, though I'm sure it glosses over SOOOOO much and I'd like to read the entire study and look at the methodology and numbers for myself.

In any case, I'll take it as "good news" because the whole concept of giving and making a positive contribution makes innate sense to me, spiritually and/or in my caudate nucleus and nucleus accumbens. (The article states, "...[N]ew research from the University of Oregon finds that charity stimulates parts of the brain called the caudate nucleus and the nucleus accumbens, which are associated with meeting basic needs such as food and shelter—suggesting to the researchers that our brains know that giving is good for us.")

Duh-uh.

Giving Makes You Rich: New proof that it pays to be charitable.
by Arthur C. Brooks
November 2007 Issue
Portfolio.com © 2007 Condé Nast Inc.
http://www.portfolio.com/views/columns/2007/10/15/Charity-Makes-Wealth

Philanthropy Calculator
http://www.portfolio.com/interactive-features/2007/10/philanthropy-calculator

My report card, according to Brooks, even in this personally dismal economic year:
I donated approximately 1.86% of my income. I still donated a higher percentage of my income than the average person in the United States. That stimulated about 7% of my income. If everyone gave like me, the US economy would grow by 3%.

Boy howdy, look what I could do in a GOOD year.

More on enviro-conscious consumerism

2007-11-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

No Impact Man: Winning enviro-conscious customers part 2
http://noimpactman.typepad.com/blog/2007/11/winning-enviro-.html

Enviro-conscious customer loyalty

2007-10-31T15:29:00.000-07:00

No Impact Man: Winning enviro-conscious customer loyalty
http://noimpactman.typepad.com/blog/2007/10/getting-the-env.html

dear body

2007-10-31T15:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, maybe I'll fit in a few entries here and there.

This made me smile and sharing it serves as my little prayer of gratitude for the day.

upcoming hiatus

2007-10-31T12:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the Ex abruptly reneged on his agreement to serve as temporary physical custodian of the boys through December, effective immediately. I'm scrambling to make ready to take on full-time parenting despite my doctors' admonitions to rest and recover.

I saw one of the physician's assistants yesterday, and she wasn't pleased with what she saw. She consulted with the doctor, and they decided to take a "wait and see" approach. In the next four weeks we'll see if I can make enough progress in my recovery to avoid further hospitalization and surgery, but we're all on alert. I'm seeing my amazing wunderdokter (primary care physician) tomorrow for a more general health assessment, and I'll ask him how to do the work of healing under the new circumstances of parenting with breaks every other weekend and Monday nights.

So far, that looks like this:
--Transport children to their respective schools in time for breakfast provided THERE; that saves the effort and energy required to wheedle them into eating at home.
--Go home and eat, then get into bed until it's time to pick up the kids from school. Eat again before I do that job.
--Try to hire someone to help with the driving since I haven't been given the go-ahead yet. In order to do my own driving, I can't take narcotics, which brings me into the pain cycle but will keep me from being a danger on the road. Though I'm not sure if being under the influence of severe pain is much better than a little morphine, I'm not going to argue with the laws about intoxication while operating a motor vehicle.
--Make simple dinners, get the boys to help set the table and clean up. Sit down to eat with them.
--Baths only every other night.
--When the clock reaches 8:00, I am in bed and unavailable for retucking in, scaring away monsters, answering questions, reading yet another story, giving one more kiss, getting drinks of water, or ANYTHING. If they can't settle in during the hour before bedtime, with my full attention, then they have to fend for themselves. By then I physically can't do it.
--Inquire about having play dates on my weekends to help dilute the little boy energy or spread it around with the help of my friends and their children.
--Give up on anything that takes any extra energy.

That last point is the reason I don't anticipate writing more on my blog for a while. Lately I've gone slightly crazy, reading and reacting and researching and 'riting, but I've done it in bed, with long breaks. It has STILL taken more energy than one would expect. Now it's too expensive.

So, the conversation will continue later. Wish me luck... I need all the help I can get to rebuild my body, be a good mother, and eventually recover to the point where I can not only be well and be a GREAT mother and friend, but also get back to work to support us. That last point is the furthest away of all. Until I get there, sacrifices need to be made. Buh bye, blog.